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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I get you don't want to be sued but don't think you can just sneak that sport thing by us. I love bowling but come on.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone@alexfalcone.bsky.social |
216 followers 79 following 300 posts
'A blue check comedy writer' - Fox News
Seen on Colbert Late Show & Portlandia
Live shows and mailing list:
linktr.ee/alexfalcone
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I get you don't want to be sued but don't think you can just sneak that sport thing by us. I love bowling but come on.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Security guards are basically emotional support animals, right? Maybe you’re helping, maybe you’re not, but we all know you just got that vest off Amazon.
0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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"we made part of this public park exclusively for rich people but if they suck at golf so much it kills you, it's your fault"
0 replies 1 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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The whole time the wood pile is yelling "no we don't want to be part of this" but it doesn't help.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I love the phrase “you make your own luck.” Like we made a word for when stuff is out of your control and then we were like, “how can we spin this to still blame people?”
0 replies 1 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Airplane: lands. Airline: oh shit there was literally no way to predict this would happen we're not ready please wait in the plane for a half hour.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Even if you were going to say the president is immune in presidential matters because you're dumb and also crazy, I would think by definition overthrowing the government is a campaign matter.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I keep hearing about how downtown Portland burned down in a heroin and communism filled protest apocalypse and I gotta say, I was not prepared for how bad it is. For instance my favorite coffee shop moved ONE BLOCK OVER and the breakfast joint is now a burrito place. It's a hellscape.
0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Once again, ruling that it's legal to fine people for being too poor not only makes you a ghoul but also the dumbest person alive.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Flying out of Burbank is better than LAX unless you're hungry and then your only choice is between Guy Fieri's Sandwich Nightmare and Guy Fieri's Grab & Go Hell Shack.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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DINK - dual income, no kids TRINK - three rabbits, interested in new kinds BLINK - bi-lingual, isn’t new to kidnapping SLINKIE - soft like I never knew intense exertion
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Cold brew is the physical opposite of blacking out.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Sorry about the spoilers.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Finished a draft of our second novel and sent my pages back to my writing partner. Really excited about this one.
3 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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too many famous Ryans could reduce by half
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Great. Everybody work on tickets to Raleigh! Somebody make matching hats. Somebody else make a brunch reservation for 200.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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If every single person who follows me on here came to the same show, we could really pack it in. For that show at least. So which stop on my summer tour should all the bskers fly to? Columbus? Reno? Let's plan here.
1 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say this or not but I'm watching the Italian soccer team and every player's name sounds delicious. Raspadori is probably a creamy dessert, Calafiori is obviously pasta with fresh peas, and I'm 99% sure Donnarumma is an digestif.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I keep seeing people say "wrong Donald" and I was so scared for Duck and Glover.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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A gift you can give a friend is threaten to come stay with them for a weekend then cancel at the last second so they panic cleaned but then just get to enjoy a clean place without having to host anybody.
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I would only ever wear augmented reality glasses if I could install an adblocker but for specific people. Like if there was always just a blank box where Gary is standing, that'd be worth it.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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They said promoting on Blue Sky won't work but we can prove them wrong if like half my followers live in Columbus, OH and they all see this.
2 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I can never remember the correct mnemonic so I just assume it's "feed a fever, feed a cold, feed a broken ankle, feed a normal body."
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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it's 100% worse this way
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Happy Father's day to all the dads out there. You did good work!
1 replies 2 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Driving is wild you’ll be hanging out with the nicest person you ever met, they’d give a lung to save a stranger, then they drive you somewhere and 10 seconds in they’re yelling at an old man to choke to death on his own taint.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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psh, I got plenty
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I saved my landlord's life and if you're wondering how much rent cost the next month it was the exact same as the month before.
2 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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This is my new favorite spokes-character. The roots are feet, that rules. Toothpaste cap to stand on, phenomenal. He's brushing his own head and enjoying it a little too much to be doing it public, 10/10 no notes.
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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The best part of a relationship is having somebody to say boring shit to. If I didn't have somebody to text about getting an eye exam or tasting a weird cheese, I think I'd explode.
1 replies 1 reposts 5 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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ah ha ha ha ha
0 replies 0 reposts 8 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Accidentally went outside without headphones, just rawdogging air noises. 0/10 do not recommend.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Butterflies are just fuckable moths.
0 replies 1 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I don't get involved in local politics.
0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Oh you just tell it like it is? Then how come you never over-compliment something. You don't ignore social cues to be fawning. "Sorry I know this isn't PC bro but your hair looks so cool." If you’re never bluntly positive, then you’re not blunt you’re a dick.
0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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It's weird the average person is swallowing spiders while they sleep. I drink my spiders and it's way easier.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Love shopping online, especially when they offer such helpful information such as what are body parts called
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I was just posting about this the other day, gonna add MNS to my list. My top nominee is Guy Fieri, boring tv host, terrible restaurateur, nicest dude alive.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Save me the "won't hurt him in the election" takes for one day please. This is like the night he got covid, let's all enjoy that a bad person is sad right now and later we can be embarrassed for hoping it would actually lead to justice.
0 replies 1 reposts 6 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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This is my third year running a fake band fake music festival called Faux Chello (formerly Fauxchella but Coachella is hella litigious). The 2024 line up is out now (and live in my shop) All the best fake bands from movies and TV shows (that didn't make the '22 and '23 editions) are there.
0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Any article with "millenials" or "gen-z" in the title is about to be the stupidest shit you ever read.
0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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Other possible inclusions: Keanu Reeves and Adam Sandler. It's like "dance 10, looks 3" but instead "dance 3, hang 10"
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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People talk about separating the art from the artists but I'm more tempted to separate the artist from the art, like how Guy Fieri is a boring TV host who's opened terrible restaurants but is by all accounts a great dude.
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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So conflicted about Furiosa. If we all go see it, studios will keep sending young actors to the desert to get tortured for 10 years but if we don't go, all those young actors got tortured in the desert for 10 years for nothing.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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the oppressors are always trying to reframe protests by youth who still see the potential of a better world as bored teens
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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cops really only have one trick, huh?
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I am unstoppable!* (*just did about 15 minutes of totally normal work without complaining)
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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They literally released a search product that doesn't know The Onion is satire. They stole all the data on the Internet and blew up the most useful website in history just to build a machine that eats the onion.
0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I love in rock shows when two guitar players play their guitars really close to each other like, “isn’t playing guitar fun?” “yes it’s so fun” and it almost looks like the guitars will kiss
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
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Alex Falcone
@alexfalcone.bsky.social
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I'm not convinced you have my best interests at heart.
1 replies 0 reposts 0 likes