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friggin french@frigginfrench.bsky.social |
302 followers 205 following 310 posts
friendly funeral home bitch. being alive is weird. AHOY!
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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did anyone else grow up with an unrealistic idea that they'd somehow come to own a grandfather clock one day? like as some sorta rite of passage that you aren't even sure of?
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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it's wild to me that some conservatives think that Jesus flipping tables in the temple means Jesus would definitely have driven a cyber truck while open carrying
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one time i saw a dog vaping
@ohshit.bsky.social
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“Barack Obama a cryptid????” would do numbers on that pro-MAGA version of Twitter, known as [checks notes] oh it’s just Twitter
0 replies 1 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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if homelessness is illegal and there's a surplus of homeless people, why are we not helping them overthrow the entire government? if they're going to jail regardless, let's pour some fucken fuel on the fire nah'mean
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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I really don't need things. Not expensive or even costly things. Just collections of love sprinkled in little bits of "I thought of you" on various shelves and tables and walls throughout the house.
0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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okay
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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recently had someone tell me that I look like I know exactly who salad fingers is. unclear if this is a burn or not, but yes I do.
1 replies 1 reposts 6 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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A jeef a day keeps Dr Dre away
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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dad?
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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we should've started the debates with Panera lemonades
0 replies 1 reposts 5 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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we should be able to mail screams to peoples home addresses, we have the technology
0 replies 3 reposts 7 likes
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one time i saw a dog vaping
@ohshit.bsky.social
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me *elbow nudging guy next to me* that’s what good pussy sounds like self-checkout kiosk: [repeatedly saying UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA]
0 replies 1 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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You get it
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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a weird thing about working at a funeral home is the first time you get a whiff of the crematory outside and think it smells like bbq until you realize
2 replies 3 reposts 20 likes
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one time i saw a dog vaping
@ohshit.bsky.social
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If u can’t handle me at my worst (spending my entire paycheck on scratchers) then u dont deserve me at my best (spending half of my paycheck on scratchers)
0 replies 1 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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my baby brother used to say "I can't want to" when he was uninterested in something. now he's 27 and I'm still saying that unironically.
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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He's apart of a half sleeve so nobody really even notices, thankfully!
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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if you're ever feeling weird about being alive, just know that I have a tattoo that represents my ex-husband while his only tattoo is New Hampshire's state motto
1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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on one of my first dates with my ex-husband, we went to play laser tag with some pals. my guts had been rumbling all day, but I was ignoring it. after the first game, we're in the holding room & I slipped a silent but deadly fart. chaos erupted and I played along. you know this about me now.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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You're damn right
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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ahoy.
1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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instead of donating my body to science, I wonder if I can donate it to a hydraulic press YouTube channel
0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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really wanna go full lady whistledown on my workplace
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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her: you should've invited me! me: [immediately whips out party invitation] her, reading: you're cordially invited to fuck off? me: [already gone]
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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a man on Twitter posted a video of a woman's hair before and after a haircut and basically said no man wants the short hair, women should stop performing for other women. I told him I hope his mom punches him in his junk. I'm now not allowed to tweet for a week while he's bullying her. thanks Elon.
0 replies 1 reposts 16 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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bitch if enya comes on, I'm stopping what tf I'm doing and breathing a few deep breaths and imagining and foggy countryside real quick. I don't even play about enya.
0 replies 2 reposts 6 likes
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one time i saw a dog vaping
@ohshit.bsky.social
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me: take this you Nazi bastards *throws a grenade into a bunker* everyone in the children’s bouncy castle:
0 replies 1 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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instead of telling someone "it'll be okay" every time they're sad, what if instead we validated their current feelings? examples: • this shit blows • you should yell about this • your mom/boss/president joe biden can go straight to hell you get it
0 replies 3 reposts 8 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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I grew up with two close friends whose birthdays were only two days apart. I could never remember who was which day, so I always just told them both happy birthday on both days and played it off as a bit. I've known them over 20 years, I'm still not sure which is which.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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one time i saw a dog vaping
@ohshit.bsky.social
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how come nobody is talking about how hannah montana is related to tony montana
1 replies 2 reposts 3 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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Strip club but it's me dancing for cheezits in your living room
0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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are you there god? it's me, your worst nightmare
1 replies 7 reposts 18 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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why do our guts randomly sound like an old pirate ship creaking through the fog? use your inside voice!
0 replies 2 reposts 5 likes
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one time i saw a dog vaping
@ohshit.bsky.social
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Findomming my way to the employee of the month award at SeaWorld (I don’t know what findom means and just assumed)
0 replies 1 reposts 2 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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feeling hot enough to cause cancer
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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one time i saw a dog vaping
@ohshit.bsky.social
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Hi sharks. For 5% and 5 million dollars, you can have the antidote
0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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Yeah you did
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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My kiddo had a UTI, all is well!
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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Willy Wonka feels like a fucked up metaphor for God if you think about it. He keeps putting tests and trials in your way and if you give into temptation? Ope now you're a blueberry (going to hell).
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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the lighting in this urgent care office is giving "first house I ever built on the sims"
1 replies 1 reposts 7 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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9yo: what if a dude named Adam married a lady named Eve? Me: I'm sure it's happened before 9yo: That gives me weird Jesus vibes
1 replies 2 reposts 5 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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my boyfriend is once again weaponizing confetti
1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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Lmaooooo
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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thank you for taking me on this journey
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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that's a huuuuge dick
1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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a weird thing I think about as a person who writes obituaries for a living, is how I can tell right away if someone I meet will have a giant tribute that is delightful to read one day. people who are truly LIVING. I feel like I fondly observe them and write them out in my brain.
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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Do you think if Caillou had been on adult swim instead of PBS, that his parents would've suffocated him on the series finale?
2 replies 1 reposts 4 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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I was in the shower this morning and the handheld shower head fell out of its holder and whacked me hard in the back of the neck. All I could think about was Wu tang.
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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You know what would be the perfect gift? If you could somehow do adult shit for someone like "hey I went to the DMV for you" or "I cut your hair while you were asleep"
1 replies 2 reposts 8 likes
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friggin french
@frigginfrench.bsky.social
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When I got my hysterectomy, I asked the doctor like what happens when you take the cervix, uterus, and tubes? How do the ovaries stay in place? He said he used the leftover tissue to construct sort of a wall where it all once was. I yelled A LITERAL MAN CAVE?! He did not laugh.
1 replies 1 reposts 12 likes