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Jill Twiss@jilltwiss.bsky.social |
1877 followers 366 following 851 posts
Comedy writer. "Last Week Tonight", "The Amber Ruffin Show." Author of "A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" and "The Someone New." Friend to several penguins.
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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It is very funny that all of the politicians are like "we are encouraging the President to make his decision as soon as possible" and Biden is like I ALREADY MADE IT and they are like "yup, as soon as you can, buddy! make the decision!"
1 replies 0 reposts 15 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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this answer would kill on the Miss Teen USA interview portion
1 replies 0 reposts 15 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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I got rhythm. I got music. I got my man. Honestly, I can still think of like 200 more things to ask for.
2 replies 0 reposts 21 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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apparently you have heard me sing
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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I shall sing them in a patter song
2 replies 0 reposts 14 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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it's such a weird, quirky delight in a very normal procedural package!
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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living in fear of the day I wake up and there is no dog on the Yoga with Adriene video
4 replies 2 reposts 30 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Well now I’m down to negative one votes
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Yes I do see the irony in the misspelling here
1 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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no that is what the fourth round of the regional spelling bee is all aobut
3 replies 1 reposts 20 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Look I know it's naive to want the most capable person in America to be the President. But it is wrong to want it to be, like, in the top 10,000?
1 replies 1 reposts 15 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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I simultaneously feel like Biden should probably not be the Democratic nominee and also that parts of the media seem weirdly gleeful about it in a way that completely ignores the consequences of electing Trump again
3 replies 14 reposts 51 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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I think I’d be great on a reality show reunion episode. No need to do the whole season. Just let me come back in and tell all those bitches what I thought of them.
0 replies 0 reposts 7 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Oh no they are gonna be picky???
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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i mean yes. that is the point. not...just a silly bit. ahem.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Um, just found out that for $75 I can put a plaque with anything I want written on it on a bench on Roosevelt Island for 20 years and I think $75 is exactly the amount I'm willing to spend on a good bit.
4 replies 1 reposts 27 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Not the point, but on first read I thought Ally was a girl and I was like OMG OF COURSE ALLY HAS ALL THE GOSSIP
2 replies 0 reposts 20 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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lifetime appointments made more sense when people died of sneezing at 31
1 replies 9 reposts 41 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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when they go low i go cry
0 replies 1 reposts 11 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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only one way to find out
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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NETWORKING TIP: Instead of handing out business cards, just follow people home and write your name in blood on their porch
4 replies 0 reposts 11 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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I think I would be very popular in prison because I’m probably the only one there who could make balloon animals.
1 replies 2 reposts 11 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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"Call your Senator!" - Senators
0 replies 0 reposts 11 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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If I was going to give absolute immunity to only one person in America I can tell you who it wouldn’t be
1 replies 1 reposts 16 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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No one is above the law but some people manage to slip below it I guess
0 replies 1 reposts 11 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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If you step out of bounds as a gymnast because you were too bouncy, my opinion is that they should just move the bounds
0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Drank three cups of coffee and realized all the time I've wasted blinking.
1 replies 0 reposts 26 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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corn untethered!
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Hello sir please have mercy on me and do not make me say your establishment’s punny drink name out loud
0 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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You look back at those low points in history and you think "How did the people let this happen? Why didn't they stop this?" and now that we're living one...I don't know how.
1 replies 1 reposts 24 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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DESCENDANT OF THE TEAPOT BARD is what i would put on my business cards, i will tell you that much
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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yeah I think that was the inspiration for the song "Teapots Are Real Assholes" by Cole Porter
1 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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What's your favorite song about fat-shaming teapots?
4 replies 5 reposts 26 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Just the facts
0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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tomorrow are the women's gymnastics Olympic trials so I'm gonna do a lil stretching just in case they need someone to do a Wolf Turn at the last minute
0 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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i mean
2 replies 1 reposts 43 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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i wrote an article about how much i am NOT looking forward to the debate tomorrow uk.news.yahoo.com/prez-debate-...
3 replies 6 reposts 33 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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I wish I could
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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FYI cupcakes are already mini-cakes. Therefore mini-cupcakes are an abomination and should be treated as such.
2 replies 2 reposts 17 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Every fruit now is named SUGAR NUCLEAR CAVITY EXPLOSION GRAPES or LIL SNUGGLY WHIMSICAL TOMATEES
2 replies 0 reposts 17 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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I choose to believe that any fruit purchased outdoors is organic
1 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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i hope this email finds you in a well
4 replies 4 reposts 34 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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gym was closed for Juneteenth but nobody told us till we showed up there to work out and that, I think, is symbolic
1 replies 0 reposts 16 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Found out my antibiotics also treat anthrax and gonorrhea. So not to brag, but for the next 2 weeks, I CAN GET ALL THE GONORRHEA I WANT
1 replies 0 reposts 18 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Every one of these Olympic athletes bullied Rory at Chilton
3 replies 1 reposts 11 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Yeah but Supreme Court justice terms are built so there’s nothing else to wish for
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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one real flaw in our governmental system is that it requires me to hope for people to die, and I hate that
5 replies 3 reposts 51 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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wheeee!
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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can we please have gymnastics on tv every week like baseball
1 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
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Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
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Everyone's talking about whether Biden's too old, but I wrote about the real question
1 replies 0 reposts 12 likes