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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Hey what’s the rule for just leaning the hell out of something
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Rockin’ Riker@rockinriker.bsky.social |
134 followers 12 following 135 posts
Commander. Lover. Chair Enthusiast.
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Hey what’s the rule for just leaning the hell out of something
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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LOCK TORPEDOES
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Ok so Todd, can I call you Todd? Your name’s Bill? No, you’re much better as a Todd. Trust me. Anyway Todd, there I am, stapling myself sideways to a tree 50 meters off the ground—why? Why NOT, Todd? That’s the question. And the answer! Anyway hurry up patching my uniform woudja? I’ve got a thing.
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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……..you know how I feel about boats Chief
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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::lunging over chair:: HEY so I just found out that if you hit the turbolift button a bunch of times in a row it makes sparks!! Speaking of sparks, I think I’m picking the vibe you’re putting out; you clearly want to go to the holodeck with me. What program would you— ……did you just say yacht ride
1 replies 0 reposts 13 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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So. To summarize, you get started and I’m going to eat this piece of cake here since you’re getting up anyway. Off you go. …….actually this cake is pretty good, Data. You’d know that if you had taste buds. Or, you know, a tongue. How DO you make noises anyway? No, don’t answer. I’ll figure it out
1 replies 0 reposts 8 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Yep that’s right, you’ve been deep cover this whole time. Learning how to make cake that makes men weep is just a bonus. The payoff is you, leaving the cake on the boat, and me pressing the detonator. Why? WHY?? You know my policy on yachts, Ensign. What’s my policy? That’s right, FUCK. YACHTS.
1 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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I’m serious. Get up. Follow the trail. Learn. Spend a decade in hot kitchens learning your craft. And when you can make a decent cake I want you to take it directly to the Romulan Ambassador. In fact, you’ll deliver it right to his yacht. And inside the cake? A little surprise I like to call C4.
1 replies 0 reposts 8 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Not me. No, this leads directly to the kitchen. You need to learn to make your OWN cake immediately. I mean it. This is not only MY top priority, it’s Starfleet’s priority. Because we can’t have substandard cake around here. Yes I am aware you didn’t make the piece you’re eating. That’s irrelevant.
1 replies 0 reposts 8 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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To inform you that you could be doing much better. Cakewise. For example, I have a chocolate ganache that I hand make from scratch in artisanal small batches. Now if you look down you’ll notice that there’s a trail of it. Where does it lead? My quarters? Ha! Perhaps another man would be so garish
1 replies 0 reposts 8 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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ANYway so I sit down here at this table next to you in Ten Forward and right away my keen Commander Sense detects a tension in the air. So I Lean over the back of your empty chair—yes I AM narrating this in real time—and I notice something: You’re eating cake. Now, as a fan of cake, I feel compelled
1 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Ha! He DOES have a sense of humor!
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Did it launch me 100 meters out to sea? Yes. Did I almost get eaten by an Andorian shark? Naturally. Was it worth it? You tell me. Is that boat there? IS IT THERE, DATA? That’s right. So, you know, analyze that or whatever you do when you’re wandering around. You’re welcome.
1 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Did I climb aboard, fully nude save for pieces of the harness that clung to me along with mayonnaise? Obviously. And I tell the sailors, I tell them HEY FUCKWADS GET THE HELL OFF THIS BOAT BEFORE I BLOW IT STRAIGHT TO HELL and I called in an orbital strike. Problem was, I was still on the boat.
1 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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That’s between me and the boats. But something had to be done. So I start flailing in the harness, using the mayonnaise as a tool and launch myself out of the window, hurling down into the ocean below. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? Not at all. Did I swim over to the boat? You bet I did.
1 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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—returning to port. So now I’m really in a situation. Not because of the Ambassador, he knows what’s going on. He’s an open minded guy. Really goes wild with the pizza toppings too but I digress no the problem is I fucking hate boats, Data. You know that. We’ve talked about it before. Why?
2 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Honestly I’m not even sure they were processing what their eyes were telling them. Anyway, I look down at the Ambassador’s wife and am like “well, do YOU consent to this?!” and let me tell you, she was ALL IN, Data. Problem was, my proximity alarm goes off, which means the Ambassador’s boat is—
1 replies 0 reposts 8 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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So I turn to the mimes, I turn to them, and I tell em “HEY MIMES! If you’ve got something to say, speak up now!!” A bold tactical gambit, I’ll admit, since of course we all know how much mimes won’t shut the hell up. They’re like Morn in that way. But they just stare at us, blinking. Honestly, —
1 replies 0 reposts 8 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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—stuck in there together. Now, this is a crucial moment because I’ve already committed. I’ve got the mayo on, I’m bolted into the harness, I’m 6 feet off the ground. This is decision making time. Fortunately my keen Commander senses could detect an underlying current of awkwardness—
1 replies 0 reposts 11 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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—so listen Data, there I was, just COVERED in mayonnaise, suspended in a swing directly over the Ambassador’s wife, when who would walk in but the local mime improve troupe, “Mime-O-Palooza”!! Unfortunately, one of them tripped the silent alarm and sealed the room off immediately, leaving us all—
1 replies 1 reposts 11 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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I LIVE IT
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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That’s my thesis too. But it must be tested.
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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That is COMMANDER level thinking!!
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Ahh Saturday night in Ten Forward. 03:00 hours. Most everyone has went to bed. Or passed out. I can see the stars out the window. So beautiful. It really makes you think about your place in the universe. Keep that in mind as ::raises trombone:: you DIG this slow jam version of NIGHTBIRD ffwwEEEAMP
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Always double down. I guess this is a long shot at of saying that yes, I WOULD like a second fudge bar and thank you for offering. You know, speaking of fudge, that reminds me of another story—
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Was it because I was down to my tighty whities? Perhaps. But I like to think it was more than my animalistic musk. Nobody spoke. We stayed like that for another 12 hours. Did I keep eating hot wings? Absolutely. Finally, he FOLDS. Just crumbles in front of me. Ha!! So there’s a tip for you Data,
1 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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And the guy is just staring at me, or I assume he is who knows he could be asleep with that fucking helmet. Stupid helmet. Anyway, I take my chair and put it ON THE TABLE and LEAN over it until I’m right in his face and I say “……are you SURE you’re all in?” The whole place was staring.
1 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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-I think my hand has a chance to beat his. So I look him in the face and call. And he calls. And so I’m like “all in” and he starts to go all in but I’m like “no….I said ALL in” and start adding things to my pile. My shoes. My uniform. A kazoo that only plays Nightbird. I just keep stacking right?
2 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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—I play it cool. Now, he’s got a pair of aces , a pair of kings, and a two. Of course, I have no idea what that means. I don’t know the rules for poker. Never have. Never needed them. I just play with my gut. And my gut is saying that my hand, MY HAND, which is various cards stained with wing sauce-
1 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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So I’m playing poker right? I’m on 76 hours, no sleep, just propped up by a combination of Four Loko and hot wings, when the Breen soldier RAISES me. Now, this is interesting because I can see his cards reflected in his stupid fuckin’ helmet screen. But I wanna see where this goes so—
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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AND??
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Yes? And??
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Because it was a setup, that’s why. They were clearly there to keep me occupied…..occuPIED…..GET IT DATA??? HAH HAH HAH Oh man I’m good. Anywho, that may or may not have actually happened. True story. Hey how long is this turbolift ride anyway?
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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That’s right, PLASTIC PLATES!! Not paper!! Obviously something was off. Using my keen Commander Sense I immediately took the opportunity and sliced the head off the one on the left with my plate, pivoted and, using the plate again, punched through it into the others’ brain sac. Why? WHY?
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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And by sitting down in my seat, I’d unwittingly entered into a contest of culinary champions. So they hand us the usual stuff, the mountain of pies, the bucket, the water pitcher, the flute, and THAT’S when I notice something that doesn’t make sense.
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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—they’re the babes, I’m the conductor and the train is my right yes you’re doing that thing where you start blinking and twitching a lot so you get it. ANYway turns out, they weren’t there for that. There were pro pie eaters. Not a metaphor this time Data. No they were deadly serious.
1 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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—this slender waif sits down on my left. So obviously I’m liking where this is going. You know me, Data, I’m fluid. I don’t discriminate. If two beautiful babes want to ride THIS train, the conductor is pulling over, know what I mean? No? It’s a metaphor Data. I’m saying that in this context—
1 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Hey did I ever tell you about the time I accidentally entered a Bolian pie eating contest on Outpost Gamma-476? So I’m relaxing right, trying out various things from the bar, seeing if I could snort Four Loko, typical stuff when out of NOWHERE, this big lug of a brute sits down on my right, and—
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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In papyrus font!!
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Listen here, I don’t know HOW you are getting access to these classified images, THAT SPAN PAST AND FUTURE I might add, but I’ve got a question: Do you have any of the Ambassador’s wife?
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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NOT RELEVANT
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Ha! Diplomacy!!
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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I have no idea who this is
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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I’ve been yelling at them for hours sir
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Worf how do I get the updates but unsubscribe
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Why are you asking for my password unsubscribing
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Password
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Subscribe
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Unsubscribe
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Rockin’ Riker
@rockinriker.bsky.social
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Ha! You mean my special Commander Candy? No way, I need it. Keeps me sharp. On edge.
1 replies 0 reposts 11 likes