Candy Elliott

Jake_Vig @jakevig.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 04, 2024 at 19:45 UTC

If they introduce someone as someone "incomparable," I better not be able to compare them to anyone.

2 replies 11 reposts 37 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 04, 2024 at 19:45 UTC

When I need a good cry, I just go try on bathing suits in a dressing room with fluorescent lighting.

1 replies 5 reposts 24 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 03, 2024 at 18:50 UTC

Get married so you can yell something to your spouse, and they can yell “What?” ten times from another room instead of walking 25 feet.

0 replies 3 reposts 9 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 31, 2024 at 19:13 UTC

Bank: Your statement is ready to view. Me: Umm... no thanks!

1 replies 6 reposts 18 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 31, 2024 at 19:11 UTC

Me: We never talk. Husband: Okay, how was your- Me: I don't mean right now.

3 replies 28 reposts 125 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 28, 2024 at 18:38 UTC

Me: *walks into a door frame* Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

1 replies 13 reposts 45 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 24, 2024 at 17:38 UTC

I gave my husband a $20 and he accidentally gave me a $100 back in instead of a $10. It's not my fault that he needs his vision checked.

0 replies 6 reposts 17 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 20, 2024 at 17:30 UTC

My husband and I know the exact location of each other's keys but not our own.

1 replies 1 reposts 7 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 16, 2024 at 20:40 UTC

Happy to report that I've achieved my goal of annoying my husband twice as much this year!

0 replies 1 reposts 7 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 16, 2024 at 20:39 UTC

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “You go ahead, I'm just going to sit for a minute.”

0 replies 6 reposts 24 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 14, 2024 at 17:36 UTC

I didn't feel like cooking, so I told my husband the water will be off in our building until 8:00 PM, so we’ll have to go out to dinner tonight. Lies are totally acceptable when they include margaritas.

0 replies 0 reposts 18 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 13, 2024 at 20:48 UTC

Your decision between fries or salad tells me everything I need to know about you.

1 replies 2 reposts 20 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 10, 2024 at 19:31 UTC

My husband and I have a mutual understanding that if your hands are full at home, there's always a chance of the other pulling your pants down—those are the rules.

1 replies 1 reposts 10 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 09, 2024 at 16:27 UTC

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

0 replies 7 reposts 21 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 08, 2024 at 19:11 UTC

The audacity! 😂

0 replies 3 reposts 19 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 06, 2024 at 16:57 UTC

This morning, I waved at someone who was waving to a person behind me, and now I'm not leaving my house for the rest of the year.

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] May 01, 2024 at 20:15 UTC

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?

0 replies 2 reposts 17 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 29, 2024 at 18:47 UTC

Me: I got carded today. Husband: Only because you were trying to cheat and get the senior discount. Me: It still counts!

0 replies 6 reposts 17 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 26, 2024 at 20:15 UTC

You know you're getting old when you find yourself genuinely thrilled about your favorite dish sponge coming in a few new colors.

0 replies 3 reposts 11 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 26, 2024 at 02:12 UTC

It's okay, facial recognition. I don't recognize myself anymore either.

0 replies 2 reposts 8 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 23, 2024 at 18:28 UTC

“I’ll just wing it,” is the dumbest thing I say regularly.

0 replies 1 reposts 6 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 22, 2024 at 18:48 UTC

My favorite coworker is the one who speaks the least.

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 19, 2024 at 20:29 UTC

Hell hath no fury like a wife with a new outfit you didn't notice.

0 replies 8 reposts 25 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 17, 2024 at 17:16 UTC

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

0 replies 4 reposts 9 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 15, 2024 at 17:47 UTC

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

0 replies 5 reposts 12 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 12, 2024 at 00:18 UTC

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and text things like “I’m leaving y…” And an hour later text “your computer on the table”

1 replies 4 reposts 7 likes

Candy Elliott @sixfootcandy.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 09, 2024 at 18:28 UTC

Rule #27 of marriage is clear: Dessert that is mine is only mine; dessert that is his is also mine.

2 replies 6 reposts 18 likes