Hylobatidae

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 11, 2024 at 07:34 UTC

GO TO BED

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 11, 2024 at 07:31 UTC

Instead of calling them 'brats', I prefer...

1 replies 4 reposts 18 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 10, 2024 at 07:23 UTC

When I die I want to be buried in an unmarked grave, with silver cucumber slices over my eyes and surrounded by hundreds of Warhammer figurines. It'll be my little treat for future archaeologists.

1 replies 2 reposts 17 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 09, 2024 at 20:38 UTC

If God really was our father he'd have reappeared as soon as we started messing with the Earth's heating.

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 09, 2024 at 08:45 UTC

Me, at the Van Gogh exhibition checking out the self portraits. "Wow this guy must have LOVED himself."

1 replies 0 reposts 7 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 07, 2024 at 03:32 UTC

I dunno man. IANAL (I am not a linguist)

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 07, 2024 at 02:48 UTC

Spice things up with new ways to read common acronyms: MFW = Mother fucker what? BFFR = Best friends forever right. IANAL = I anal

1 replies 1 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 07:45 UTC

TEMU: Look at this ad. Buy it. You know you want to. ME: No. I do not desire your wares. TEMU: But what if our wares were... tits? ME: BEGONE SLAVE LABOUR SIREN!

0 replies 1 reposts 6 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 25, 2024 at 04:19 UTC

Showing vulnerability to potential employers by writing 'Traumatic' underneath 'Experience'.

0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 25, 2024 at 01:05 UTC

I didn't agree that you're the human embodiment of Chekhov's Gun but please, go off.

0 replies 2 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 24, 2024 at 07:56 UTC

Dumbshits, invent fusion THEN invent AI. Otherwise it's just more coal for the Coal God.

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 22, 2024 at 07:24 UTC

Is being unapologetically Canadian an oxymoron?

1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 20, 2024 at 05:35 UTC

I'm bisexual in so much as I'm horny and have decision paralysis.

1 replies 0 reposts 5 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 17, 2024 at 21:08 UTC

What I've learnt writing satire is that you can never outdo reality.

1 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 17, 2024 at 04:20 UTC

Good point

0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 17, 2024 at 04:07 UTC

But think of the savings.

1 replies 1 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 17, 2024 at 03:44 UTC

I dunno team, feels like this is a lesson we should have learnt 14 years ago.

6 replies 4 reposts 27 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 14, 2024 at 06:46 UTC

I like to dub people "Honorary Millennial" in the off chance it gives them an existential crisis.

2 replies 1 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 14, 2024 at 06:42 UTC

They're called 'salt of the earth' because that's the spiciest thing they'll put in their food.

0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 13, 2024 at 10:37 UTC

Young, dumb, and full of Oxford commas.

1 replies 3 reposts 19 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 13, 2024 at 09:10 UTC

Me: I didn't study for this test. The devil on my shoulder: You can see that person's test. No one would know. No one would be harmed. The angel on my shoulder: Honesty is a passing grade. Do your best. The AI in my pocket: Try adding cayenne pepper to your asthma inhaler to keep away ghosts.

0 replies 200 reposts 608 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 07, 2024 at 08:16 UTC

ME: Just putting on some moisturiser before we go out. WIFE: Use the other moisturiser. That one is mattifying. MATT: Okay.

0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 07, 2024 at 04:48 UTC

QWOP

0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 25, 2024 at 02:44 UTC

Giving additional meaning to Netflix and chill this weekend.

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 15, 2024 at 05:08 UTC

I'll only believe reports that Elon Musk is dead when they show his cold, lifeless corpse but this time with Xs for eyes instead of all the other pictures.

0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 15, 2024 at 05:05 UTC

Campaigning to make all omens ones of doom.

0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 13, 2024 at 09:14 UTC

I would say if the National Party love roads so much why don't they marry them but honestly it was hard enough getting most of them on board with gay marriage.

0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 12, 2024 at 01:28 UTC

"Mothers Day, more like 'Oh Brother's Day" ~Kevin, shot glass owner and divorcee.

0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 11, 2024 at 09:11 UTC

I did not take a picture of the aurora tonight as I do not wish the universe to perceive me.

1 replies 1 reposts 13 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 10, 2024 at 10:46 UTC

Dicks-in-ass Whispers

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 10, 2024 at 10:30 UTC

MY SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON: Oh, were you going to get up? MY DECISION PARALYSIS DEMON: Get off my turf motherfucker.

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 10, 2024 at 10:28 UTC

MILFs Minute Masochism

1 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 02, 2024 at 05:32 UTC

I wanted more Mighty Thor and Valkyrie dynamics. There was so much to work with.

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 02, 2024 at 04:59 UTC

Love and Thunder felt like a student revue parody. I was so disappointed.

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] May 02, 2024 at 04:51 UTC

If I had a dollar for every time Winston Peters ended up in a defamation suit I'd have more money than the tax cut I'm expecting.

0 replies 1 reposts 7 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 30, 2024 at 10:41 UTC

One day we'll see a gritty reboot where it's Bruce Wayne in full cricket gear.

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 30, 2024 at 10:05 UTC

I like how none of Batman's villains have any relationship to bats. Except for Manbat. And penguins, the natural predator of the bat.

1 replies 1 reposts 2 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 29, 2024 at 10:06 UTC

If he wanted to poll higher Christopher Luxon should have fired more MPs

0 replies 1 reposts 6 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 27, 2024 at 01:38 UTC

No I can't put down my phone or I'll lose my staring contest with the Abyss.

0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 25, 2024 at 07:03 UTC

I like to start by going around the table and getting everyone to share their latest blood screening.

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 25, 2024 at 05:14 UTC

I like to finish every work meeting positively with a hearty "We did it guys"

1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 25, 2024 at 04:20 UTC

What happens when I tell people I've never had COVID.

1 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 24, 2024 at 09:00 UTC

New Zealand's road safety ads have returned to their blood sacrifice roots.

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 24, 2024 at 06:35 UTC

People are mad about Taylor Swift's private jet use meanwhile I'm using my billions to develop a gun that can fire a plastic straw straight through a turtle's shell.

1 replies 1 reposts 2 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 20, 2024 at 00:54 UTC

This is not even my most niche joke.

0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 20, 2024 at 00:52 UTC

When you're the unicorn for a childfree swinger couple they send you DINK pics.

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 19, 2024 at 00:10 UTC

And for nearly all of them it will come as a surprise.

0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 18, 2024 at 23:51 UTC

Fucking metal that Sir Christopher Lee could have used that sword to kill everyone in the room without breaking a sweat.

1 replies 2 reposts 14 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 18, 2024 at 09:32 UTC

Schroedinger's meme

0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes

Hylobatidae @thomedysci.bsky.social [ View ] Apr 18, 2024 at 05:59 UTC

Shampoo and conditioner are like peanut butter and jam. Great apart, but perfection when used at the same time.

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes