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fesshole@fesshole.bsky.social |
10968 followers 3 following 3670 posts
Confess your sins anonymously - will the internet absolve you?
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I'm the cellar manager at the country estate of a very rich family. I'm the only one who has any idea or cares what is actually down here so I've been taking my choice of vintage wine and replacing it with cheaper bottles. Screw these arrogant, entitled, oblivious arseholes
1 replies 1 reposts 12 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Just found out that the guy who wrote 1984 is a different person to the one who directed Citizen Kane. I thought Orwell was just his two names together, like JLo.
1 replies 9 reposts 50 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Whenever I see a number with 3 or 4 digits, I automatically add them to make it a single digit number. If it ends up being a number that I don't like, I feel it's a bad omen for what I'd be doing at that point.
1 replies 0 reposts 11 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I had to call in sick the day after the Queen died because I went to the pub to have 10 pints to celebrate
0 replies 3 reposts 55 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Long time ago I read a book on palm reading. Couple days later met a girl with very short Life Lines, thought ok she won't live long, this'll be fine. Going on 50 years soon and still married. Guess I read it wrong.
3 replies 0 reposts 34 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Is there something on your mind that's troubling you? Fess now using this form: bit.ly/add_confession
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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While most people are confessing to having affairs, crimes and other naughty behaviour, my secret is I have a secret stash of salt, pepper and scissors. They live in kitchen, they are for me to use in the kitchen and only me.
2 replies 0 reposts 37 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Online date decided to bring a friend to the restaurant unannounced and both acted as if I didn't exist at the table. I excused myself to the toilet, headed for the exit as soon as I was in the clear, and left them with the bill. Blocked the date's number and never looked back.
3 replies 0 reposts 42 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Made a big deal about getting a motorcycle. I Got one and was absolutely petrified riding it. Used to ride to a coffee shop at the end of my road and sit there for hours pretending I'd been on a long ride. Made up an excuse to sell it. Still say that I miss it but I don't.
2 replies 2 reposts 32 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I thought owning my own apartment in the city meant waking up to the sight of a beautiful women making coffee wearing my shirt. Instead I've just shared my breakfast with the cat
3 replies 0 reposts 33 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Yeah yeah you're all excited about the election and having a new government but if you want a distraction - we've made a podcast that has absolutely nothing to do with politics and is confessions all the way: audioboom.com/posts/853285...
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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90s, Lotus Turbo Challenge. As you got close to another player it would show "PLAYER-NAME AHEAD". Poor little brother would always brake for the CRASH or OIL SPILL that was AHEAD. He never figured it out.
2 replies 1 reposts 22 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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The Mrs eats scrambled eggs. I put salmon in mine to make it bearable as I don't like them. Turns out she's only eating them as she thought I liked them. Took 15 years of marriage and fortnightly scrambled eggs to work this out.
6 replies 0 reposts 40 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Was on the tube standing next to 2 ladies whose stop was next. The doors opened and they hestitated as if not understanding that people are let off before others get on. One said 'If we don't get off they'll punish us under the tracks'. I'm now convinced aliens are amongst us.
0 replies 3 reposts 32 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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My wife bought herself an iPad and decided it was a good idea to have it playing 24/7 news programmes throughout the night. Now it doesn't disturb her but it has kept me awake for months. So i bought a smart plug and set it to turn the router off between 1am and 6am…blissful
3 replies 0 reposts 31 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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While hiding from relatives in the garage, I emptied a Mr. Muscle spray bottle so I could pee in it. Forgot, and weeks later found myself cleaning the kitchen with my own stale urine.
1 replies 0 reposts 24 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I design drainage systems so often go on building sites. My car boot has a couple of spades and liner material. Like to imagine I'm part of the Soprano family disposing of bodies, and would secretly welcome being stopped by the police one day.
2 replies 1 reposts 28 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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On Holiday in Spain. Wife's just ordered an Omelette with Tomato. But she pronounced it like an American, who even is she? Our marriage is a lie.
3 replies 1 reposts 28 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Found part of my cat's latest kill while gardening and casually tossed it into my neighbours' garden. Next moment I heard my neighbour ask me what I had thrown. Embarrassed, I simply replied "a bird's head" and spent the next half hour fruitlessly searching while she watched.
1 replies 0 reposts 27 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Until today when I found out I actually was wrong, I always pronounced "Phuket" as "Fuck It" and whenever I heard anyone call it "Poo-Ket" I thought they were taking the mick
0 replies 1 reposts 22 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I'm a pilot for a big airline and I keep a record of all my international poos; date, time, coordinates, speed. It's called my log log and it's way more up to date than my flying logbook and the map looks amazing. Nobody knows
2 replies 0 reposts 30 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Wife asked what my sexual fantasy is. I said some random shit about heels and candle wax. I actually want to see her and another woman shagging while wearing school uniforms. Should have been honest because the fucking wax thing is happening.
2 replies 0 reposts 36 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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The local Facebook group is having a meltdown over some pesky kids who keep knocking on peoples doors then running away. It's actually me, I'm 42.
1 replies 1 reposts 57 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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You have no idea how many petty grudges you still hold until you have to name a child. Holly? Bitch. Lauren? Bitch. Bethany? Stuck up bitch. These are all from elementary school.
3 replies 4 reposts 38 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Imagine if Fesshole ran out of confessions. Prevent this by fessing now using this form: bit.ly/add_confession
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Since my early twenties had a problem with post-void dribble, those last few drops of pee that come out after you've zipped up. Saw a solution to it on an episode of QI in 2009 and ever since, I think about Dara O Briain whenever I take a piss. Thanks Dara
2 replies 1 reposts 13 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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As a supermarket delivery driver I don't know whether to say "excuse me I can see your boobs", or ignore the fact I can see your boobs when you pick up your shopping. Loose fitting tops/nightware etc. I try not to look.
3 replies 0 reposts 19 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Work is doing a round of compulsory redundancies & management, incredibly, has picked all of the useless people. Everyone else is relieved and pleased. Not me, I realised that this means I have become the worst employee.
0 replies 1 reposts 33 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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My wife has collected every baby tooth that fell out of our two children's mouths. Now they are older we have a drawer full of teeth and no idea what we should do with them. God forbid we move house and forget about them.
3 replies 0 reposts 18 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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People keep submitting their opinions about the Fesshole podcast to the confessions form. Which is fine, but if you want to do us an actual favour and have something nice to say - please review it on the app you use to listen.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I work in a glass fronted office building with no air conditioning and windows that a gnat couldn't piss through when open. There is a toilet in the sub-basement that is like a tomb. I've been taking my laptop down there and working for a few hours in a cubicle to cool off.
1 replies 1 reposts 18 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Visited my Nan, she had dementia and it was a day she didn't recognise me and called me another name. Thinking it's my chance to know the answer we've all thought about, I asked: "Who's your favourite grandchild?" Without hesitating, she said it was my cousin. Serves me right.
1 replies 2 reposts 44 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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My brother-in-law is a farmer who is a rabid Putin supporting conspiracy theorist & Brexit supporter for good measure. I've taken to trolling him on a farmers forum saying I'm a council worker looking at a travellers site locations near his farm. He's losing his shit about it.
3 replies 2 reposts 102 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I told everyone I was going on a meditation retreat for a month. In reality, I stayed home, ate junk food, watched TV shows and drank alcohol. When I "returned," I spoke in a calm voice about finding inner peace.
1 replies 4 reposts 52 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Her confession but unbeknownst to me, my wife joined a Facebook group called "shower curtain gardener" she gained "inspiration" from it and now I've three fucking shower curtains stapled to the fence creating a "forest theme". We live right beside an ACTUAL FUCKING FOREST.
4 replies 4 reposts 50 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Whenever I have to complain about a company and I'm getting nowhere, I buy a share in the company and contact the investors relations team, you be surprised how quickly your issue gets sorted.
5 replies 6 reposts 57 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Been to the doctors for an ongoing issue with one of my testicles. He asked if he could re examine me, and to drop my trousers and hop on the bed. When I got up I realised i left a skid mark on the paper towel covering the bed. I think I'm cured now.
3 replies 0 reposts 14 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I'm not sure how it started but I've become addicted to black pepper. I have to put it on all food or it tastes bland to me and have even started adding it to tea. Luckily none of my friends or family have noticed yet but I don't know how to explain it when they inevitably do.
3 replies 0 reposts 20 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I'm a teacher. I have a rivalry with another teacher. One day she brought some jelly beans into class. I stuck some of them up my nose and put them back in the packet. It was only later that, to my horror, I learned she let the kids take one bean each for excellent work that day.
3 replies 2 reposts 15 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Previous occupant of our holiday cottage had left the TV logged into their Netflix. Used it to sign into the free trial of Paramount+ so I could watch Halo. It was rubbish so I stopped watching. Forgot to cancel the free subscription before setting off home.
1 replies 0 reposts 17 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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At work the execs have portraits along one of the walls of the office. One of those executives is a particularly grumpy, self-centered, miserable git. So we replaced his portrait with one of Kim Jong Un, who he does look a little bit like. He still hasn't noticed a month later.
0 replies 1 reposts 57 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I know of two marriages I could destroy by simply sending a few details to their partners who I have never met once, I would never do it but just knowing I could makes me wonder how the cheats aren't paranoid wrecks
2 replies 0 reposts 17 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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On an earlier date with my now husband I tried to bite an ice lolly like the sexy lady on the advert. Hurt like hell. I was jumping up and down swearing. He said that's the moment he knew I was the one.
1 replies 2 reposts 61 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Just because you're not in jail doesn't mean you're not guilty. Fess now using this form: bit.ly/add_confession
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I've just pulled out a nose hair that was about 2cm long. I feel like I've pulled half my brain out. It's the best thing that's happened to me all day
4 replies 0 reposts 37 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Once again my printing firm did the election posters and leaflets for the local MP who is comfortably the most repugnant individual I've ever met. As usual, I've subliminally put 'CUNT' into his puce, racist face. I know it's there, and that's all that matters.
1 replies 10 reposts 66 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Every evening when I get undressed I take off my socks and put them on my hands. I then clean the surfaces around the house with the socks, bathroom, kitchen etc. I know it's disgusting but everyone remarks how clean my house always is
3 replies 1 reposts 14 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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If my wife dies before I do, I'm going to do a 'Leaving Las Vegas' except instead of booze & hookers it'll be kebabs, cheese and sausages.
1 replies 1 reposts 25 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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Ran into a petrol station desperately needing a poo. The door to the toilet was locked, and as it was 6am I figured it had been locked overnight. Used the coin method in the lock to gain access. Opened the door to a man mid wipe. He let out a sheepish cry. I legged it.
1 replies 0 reposts 23 likes
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fesshole
@fesshole.bsky.social
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I was training for a marathon walk one weekend and came back with sore feet after a hot day. My wife offered to give me a foot rub. It was very dark and she thought she was going over a rough part of my foot. When she turned the light on we found out it was dry cat shit.
1 replies 1 reposts 15 likes