Reposted by n. s. morte
For my ko-fi members, please take a look at this poll! I'm thinking of changing up my monthly raffle and want your feedback:
ko-fi.com/polls/Member...
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i voootteeddd ;ooo;;;
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its in the past, im just happy im able to kinda start recovery and i am decode behaviors of people who act similarly. this guy had many 'excuses' for his behavior but the abuse didnt extend to just me. i just hope it has stopped in its tracts after the divorce. but who knows.
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tells myself to shut up by going to bsky to tell myself to shut up WHEN WILL IT EEENNNNNDDD spiral void twirl twirl twirl
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what i dont need: to stop rambling in the morning because its not good for my health or whatever
what i do need: to stop rambling in the morning because it's not good for my w ris t
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thats all this morning big apologies for the few people who dont unfollow me for being a nit wit rambling tired wired freak a zoid
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im not sure about you guys but i do think it is part of the responsibility of caring about someone when you think they are in a dangerous situation to tell them there are huge red flags abound when they are wearing rose tinted glasses & cannot see them. dont be afraid to speak up, PLEASE.
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when i got out of my divorce and was dealing with the ptsd from it, they were like "oh man we should have said something , that guy was such a creep , we should have helped you , we should have _ "
yeah ? get fucked
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i remember we went into the doctors office together, had different apts with the same doctor, we were in diff rooms, and she comes to me quietly and asks me if i need resources to get help. to get out. i have no fucking idea at the time.
none of my friends told me. we arent friends anymore. lol.
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i know nobody gives a shit about what im writing about but i feel like its important to get this gunk out first thing in the morning so i can breathe easy and not think abt it anymore.
i had a few abusers in my life , but this guy still cut it on all fronts. b/c of him i can sense danger 1mi away.
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the nightmare was abt him is why im on t his fucking hill today god damn i hope the only news i ever get abt him is that he died a very very painful death i have no forgiveness in my heart for him
Everyone else in life ? sure
him ? nah he can swallow glass and rusty nails
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anyway i hardly slept last night becauuuuseee i had a really nasty nightmare after having 30 mins of rem from 1030 to 11 pm and my brain was too freaked out to sleep anymore because i was reliving moments where we would be yelling at each other until 3 - 4 am and he'd blame me for not sleeping
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this WAS AFTER I SIGNED THE DIVORCE PAPERS BTWWWWWWW LOOOOLLLLl LIKEEEE DO YOU NOT SEE HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU :-)
also he'd constantly tell me i was ace and was trying to convert me nsmshit b/c i was ace from """" trauma """"
no i just dc about sex go die
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i dont think people are inherently evil but there was something severely fucked up about this person who asked me to wear my plague doctor mask while i was crying uncontrollably and trying to kick him away if it would make it "easier" while he was sticking his dick into me and then say he loves me
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i'll just fuckin say it !
talking about rape the other day made me think , why dont i talk about what happened ? it's not 'normal' but IT SURE THE FUCK is normalized.
this guy raped me every night, multiple times, because it was his right as a husband. (even when we werent married)
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i was so drugged up and out of my mind, i ended up going into a psychotic break and was put on antipsychotics since then.
i just stopped taking them in january.
i still smoke cannabis.
i still want him dead lol.
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any time i would bring up something, a behavior i didnt like that he was doing or found out smthn, he'd force me to smoke a few bowls and he'd fight with me while trying gaslight me that everything i was thinking was wrong.
my local friends began avoiding me.
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another kicker in the throat is that i wasnt reliant on cannabis when i met this dude. this guy force-fed me weed like no tomorrow. i wake up at 5am to get ready for work, he forces me to smoke 2 "parfait" bowls beforehand so he can cum in me a few times before & after i take my shower
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this guy was adamant about being safe abt fluid bonding but i find out he wasnt wearing a condom with any of his partners and not telling me about any of his partners. i find out months after our relationship and him visiting every weekend that he's been cheating on me coz being mono is unacceptable
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which, whatever! i dont care, if that's a thing, you shouldn't tell somebody you are monogamous lol ? but anyway we decided to talk about poly and i was interested in trying it, but i had to warm up first and do it gently. he agreed ! at first. at least, didnt tell me he was fucking other ppl.
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at the point in my life too i was opening up to the idea of polyamory and doing a lot of research in the history & development of human sexuality. he came into my life monogamously and broached the subject that he is physically incapable of being monogamous.
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maybe hes changed now but at this point, his track record of abuse & rape is so beyond anybody's realm of reality. this person shouldnt be allowed around people, at all.
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like 'rent free' in my head sure yeah but the constant image i have of him is the constant action of me obliterating his head into hamburger with a sledge hammer b/c i think thats the only thing he deserves !!!
people are capable of change but this person has repeatedly shown he did not want 2
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well anyway it DID turn out VERY bad. and i mean. VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY bad.
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it wouldnt have been so bad if he did not promise me the idea that he would "take care of me" ; had some weird talk on my fa journals when he was just a client where he'd buy a house in portland and support me in it if i could be his roomie.
i was like hell yea why not ?
that didnt happn lmao
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i dont mind supporting myself but this guy ripped me away from a cozy 1 bedroom apartment i was paying by myself without help while working a full time job with a group of people that cared about me. i couldnt get a job in benicia.
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my wrist has been giving me issues ever since i was 12 however ~10 yrs ago i was overworked to pay for my food / bills when i was married to a techie furry who made enough money to buy drugs & party every night with his girlfriends and my wrist has never bounced back since lol
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Reposted by n. s. morte
some fun proto-cym explorations from years ago - feat. magic shapeshifty black parts
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Reposted by n. s. morte
Maddah was the first wolf that I met before I became a volunteer at Wolf Watch UK. She was a hand in at only 3 days old with her brother and she lived until the grand old age of 19 years old. She was so gentle and sweet, such a special old wolf.
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the stars in my mind breed new worlds
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Reposted by n. s. morte
Refreshing my memory on the alphabet.
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so real
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the morbis scuris fae type whisper little warbles in the ear reminding what you do not hold dear but your contorts your dance your play you can sense the lights fade the ropes tethered tight to your spine bow down its your time to shine
yippie shes free shes free let her out once again to be
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zenny hey whats the name of the game, hey, zenny
whats going on whats your play, baby, zenny, hey
girl please let me know let me down let me breathe ez i got no coin in this box
she swings a sweet tune like before dropped dead hell forget
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sometimes i want to say boy or girl but then i remember i dont actually exist
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im so bad at having migraines damn !!!! i held back my vom 3 times ranting because im such a special enderman
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n e way i think we need to talk about rape more often as just a thing that happens that /shouldnt/ happen but it does and it happens to just about everyone and everyone can be complicit. if we can remove the inherent "monster" stigma from it, we can realize it's easier to defeat if we are open.
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also i explained myself and he was like "oh , no i was just nervous lol i 1000% was into it , i was just, you know, a virgin . "
plus we ended up not doing much beyond play b/c he ended up being Huge and the large condoms didnt Fit .
such is life !!!!
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i never was able to give him back his spirit tracks ds cartridge
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