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McSweeney's Publishing@mcsweeneys.bsky.social |
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The official BlueSky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. .
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"We have Trivial Pursuit, so if you’d just give it a try, maybe you’d realize that this vacation can still be saved. So sit down, shut up, and tell me who Gerald Ford’s vice president was."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/can...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Select a house with one fewer master suite than the number of couples. Don’t forget to unfairly resent the couple who didn’t get an ensuite bathroom because their stuff is all over the powder room, and, honestly, it’s annoying."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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CANDIDATE STEVENS: President Whitmore has no plan.
WOLF BLITZER: President Whitmore, your rebuttal?
PRESIDENT WHITMORE: I killed the aliens. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/pre...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Do not hang the snake on your porch, no matter how patriotic its scales look. This is exactly what the snake wants you to do." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"I thought we were all doing big signatures."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/joh...
1 replies 0 reposts 12 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
“I was born into servitude, and when I die, my feet will be turned into glue,” replied the horse.
The bartender realized he would not be getting a tip. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/kaf...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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JEFFERSON: This pizza is yummy. Should we save some for Roger Sherman and Robert Livingston? Where are those two anyway? They were selected for this committee to draft the Declaration and are supposed to be here.
FRANKLIN: I think they went for falafel.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
1 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
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We have ventured onto yet another social media platform: Introducing McSweeney's Internet Substackency. A curated collection of links to our recent and classic pieces. Please read our first post and consider subscribing (it's 100% FREE).
mcsweeneysinternettendency.substack.com/p/introducin...
1 replies 1 reposts 5 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"If a man is wearing a graphic tee with George Washington riding a bald eagle while wielding an AK-47, he’s conservative, but if the shirt features Ulysses S. Grant punching a bear in the face, he’s liberal."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
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McSweeney's Publishing
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"'The Star-Spangled Banner' does not slap. You can't possibly add it to a Summer Jamz playlist. If it appears mid-shuffle between 'SICKO MODE' and 'Run The World (Girls)' your pool party’s vibe is immediately murdered and left to rot."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/why...
1 replies 0 reposts 7 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Normally, there’s live bluegrass on Sundays. That’s why I picked this place, because I know you like the mandolin. But I guess Fiddle Creek isn’t coming tonight, and also there’s no music playing at all, just the 'Lolita' audiobook."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/thi...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"We believe strongly in the power of the female body and a long-term night nurse. We are opposed to torture/gluten. In the event you are ever unsure how to proceed today, please ask yourself, 'What Would Gwyneth Do?' "
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/jam...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Don’t have access to fireworks? Then celebrate by firing off a machine gun instead—or, wait, not a 'machine gun,' just a gun with a bump stock that makes a weapon discharge hundreds of rounds a minute, which is a totally different thing."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sup...
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McSweeney's Publishing
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"The target-market female daydreams about fiber, smaller pores, and easy but creative recipes she can make with precooked sausage."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-d...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Middle-aged Andie Walsh lives in a Chicago suburb with her underemployed and estranged husband, Mike, whom she can’t afford to divorce, because they both stupidly pursued creative careers instead of going into finance."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/per...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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Q: What are Canadian values?
A: Tolerance. Sustainability. Diversity. Rush.
#HappyCanadaDay
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/faq...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"We are proud to be the first bakery in New York City to graft lip tissue onto the throats of croissants and hear them scream."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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- Assume your audience is skeptical and easily bored.
- Avoid making bold assertions you’re unprepared to back up.
- It’s generally better to delve deeply into one or two areas than to spread yourself thinly over five.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wri...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"'EOD' equals 5 p.m., 6 p.m., and 11:59 p.m., as well as 2 a.m., 8 a.m., 10 a.m., and 11 a.m. the next day."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wri...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"I want to return to the glory days of the 1960s. Or the 1940s? I’m not entirely sure, but whatever time it was when women served their husbands homemade Pop-Tarts and America was a better place for white men with weak chins." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/goo...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"If you were ever, hypothetically, elected as President of the United States, would you consider defunding a program designed to detect a virus outbreak overseas for no real reason other than to save a paltry amount of governmental money?"
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/que...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"The twenty seconds I used to spend looking for the cumin, I would instead devote to loftier pursuits, like marveling at how easy it is to find the cumin."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wha...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"After 1 to 2 days, he’ll be able to eat food he UberEatses. Within 3 to 4 weeks, he can start driving up the prices at nearby secondhand stores. In 1 to 2 months, he should notice an increased ability to break down local traditions."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"The first few games were fun. Seductive. Intriguing. Playful. But then they got sneaky."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"We are grateful, Gandalf, for all that you have done for Middle-earth over the ages... We simply must find a younger savior if we are to keep Sauron at bay."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gan...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"As a self-proclaimed Chilihead myself, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been on the way to Chili’s for a slab of slow-cooked Texas-Size Baby Back Ribs and wound up in Nancy Pelosi’s office with my feet up on the desk writing threatening notes."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/it-...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Moving to foreign policy, Dana Bash asks Biden his thoughts on Israel. Seemingly regaining his voice, he answers, 'Thank you for having me here. I'm looking forward to a good discussion tonight. When do we start?'"
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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Number three will shock you. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"I am a confident and unique being who can pick up a Tech Deck mini skateboard, stare directly at the label ULTRA RARE, and feel absolutely no urge to beg or whine."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/man...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"It is with an uneasy mixture of consternation and lust that we received, via Instagram, your latest thirst trap." #TheBearFX
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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“She speaks in rhyme, the way she talks, the bus will go here, and then the bus will go there because that’s what buses do.”
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/pav...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"We admit to being confused when so many were angered by our decision to spend the happiest day of our lives inside a giant confectionary wonder that is also the site of a mass infanticide."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
0 replies 2 reposts 11 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"The truth is simpler, and not at all alarming: your phone only seems to be listening to you because it’s collecting data about every word you type, every website you visit, and, through GPS tracking, everywhere you go in the physical world."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/cal...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Any time it becomes clear that both candidates actually agree on an issue—and that issue is nowhere near the border of your own personal ethical road map—take two shots, because why the hell not? What even is the point of this spectacle?"
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"It’s finally happened, folks. We are literally living in Orwell’s 1984. I think. I mean, I’m pretty sure. I don’t know. It’s a book? I knew that. I know it’s a book. It’s just been a long time since I read it. OK, fine, I never read it."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"No, no, great job, you disintegrated the first-ever pedestrian-only planet. You drove a million miles just to ruin a perfectly lovely living space."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/way...
2 replies 9 reposts 26 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"What were they testing? A new kind of pesticide? How mealy the flesh of an apple can be while still surviving shipment? A shine-enhancing fruit shellac? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. I just grabbed a bag and started loading apples."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/unn...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"With groundbreaking improvements, GPT-5 is like having a doctor of philosophy right at your fingertips. Much like someone with a PhD, GPT-5 is capable of interactions that seem almost lifelike."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/cha...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"The festival will probably be in a Chicago park in August, where everybody has already taken up all the shady spots under trees. Or in Britain when it’s raining to a degree that even the British complain." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...
1 replies 1 reposts 13 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"You probably thought you had to do things like shower to stay smelling fresh. Wow, you are smelly and dumb. Because all you need is our new hero product, whole-body deodorant. Finally—deodorant for your entire disgusting body."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"With every word you type, your soul fractures into a million Horcruxes of acid droplets that the company collects and reuses in its eternal waterboarding of you. That said, I get to work alongside some truly incredible human beings." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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THEM: Did you fake your death?
ME: This is the strangest tenant interview ever. May I ask, does the rent include parking?
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/my-...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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1. Closed-toe water shoes.
2. Open-toe land shoes.
3. All-terrain shoes that display every other toe.
4. Whatever sunscreen the nearest store is sold out of.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/twe...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a grad school stipend, must be in want of a ceramics class.”
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/fam...
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McSweeney's Publishing
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ADAM: Over the last five years, four friends have relocated to Pasadena. I miss them.
LUCY: Pasadena is an LA neighborhood, right?
ADAM: I think it’s a city inside LA, like two cities on top of each other.
KERRY: Layers of city—interesting.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-s...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Our cutting-edge lemonade stand harnesses the insight of artificial intelligence to help us understand our customers’ needs like never before. We’re confident this next-gen technology was a valuable investment for our 25-cent children’s drink business."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/our...
1 replies 6 reposts 19 likes
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"Every evening I stare beyond the cliff's edge, waiting for my long-lost brother to return from sea. I fear the one weekend I am gone for your wedding will be when he returns."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/six...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"The universe is made of pure joy, so don’t waste it. Hope that doesn’t sound too intense. I just mean that if you want joy, it’s definitely there for you to take—but only if you feel like it."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wor...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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3. I budgeted and saved my money. Learn some self-discipline!
4. I fought against a history of social stigmas and systemic biases to get to claim the tiny space I occupy... oh no, wait, this might be getting away from me.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ele...
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McSweeney's Publishing
@mcsweeneys.bsky.social
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"The eight-hour workday is a curse from the distant past. Now, we work in five-minute increments and break when our chakras are misaligned."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wor...
0 replies 1 reposts 9 likes