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Pumpkin@pumpkinstars.bsky.social |
87 followers 73 following 10411 posts
hi im pumpkin. AuDHD. Asexual. Anti-racist. I like flowers and gardens and colors. ME/CFS, hEDS, MCAS, POTS, Fibro, auto immune issues. between bedridden / homebound. i love people and also people scare me.
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i need to sleep also at this point i wouldn’t at all be surprised if some jerk proposed sacrificing a bunch of women victims to dragons if ever a hungry one was found. it would be a republican what a time to be alive
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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(trigger warning rape and abortion) my timeline had a post about dragons need 655000 calories to live followed by a state had 65000 rape victims unable to get an abortion in my foggy head those numbers looked the same and the posts looked related and i was horrified for a second hehe oh my
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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hehe me and my food cravings right now i can’t control much right now with this few spoons but, choosing a delicious but triggering snack is one thing
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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that’s so ick i wish doctors had better compassion training and the system was built for more compassion. and chronic illness experiences were better studied
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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yessss emesis for me too it sucks so bad but my body is broken and allergic to many things, so, it’s not like msg is inherently bad. so many people just lie about it and spread the racism and ignorance while eating bloomin’ onions battered in it
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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also outback steakhouse so many regrets i had to leave my cousin’s birthday lunch this was pre pandemic
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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ironically in my experience i’ve come across it more in really americanized places like kfc, or ones that use teriyaki sauce, but many asian food places owned by asian people / with asian recipes don’t trigger me as often
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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yes, i am actually allergic to msg and it’s in so much fast food and southern fast food and fancy restaurant food. i get a stomach ache within minutes of eating whatever amount is needed to trigger it for me so racist for people to blame asian food then get taco bell / kfc
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Addy Bross 🌈 they/them
@aebrossbooks.bsky.social
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Question to all my fellow readers, audiobook, and/or podcast listeners out there... Do y'all know if there a podcast out there that reads shorter, cozy stories? Not a podcast to fall asleep to, but just shorter (5-15 minute), compelling-but-low-stress stories? If not, I may have to make a thing. 🤔
4 replies 6 reposts 12 likes
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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nurse is done it goes so much so many much better when i remove the bandage the sensory overload of the skin tears and the new pain and the itching drives me up a wall and it’s so awful and i melt down from it or get so upset it’s so many nicer when i can do it before she come
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i just barely got better enough to do any of this and i can’t ease into it my life was crashing and i had to and it’s so much and so many things are off i owe so much of my electricity bill and rent and medicine and insurance and god it’s so much
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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and it’s still hard for me know what day it is what things are today what time what is tomorrow what time was the medicine what time medicines are at next it’s so many things so many and. i’m glad i can do them but they’re so hard they’re still so hard they hurt
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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and it’s so many it’s just so many i think it’s getting better it is getting better my advocate help so much she go through all the mail she get it organize i can do this now i think i can do this i’m get organize yes but it’s so hard it is hard. it is.
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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that is what my friends did they say, good job, now let’s watch tv it’s over chores and time we can do a fun a nice where is the nice where it’s just. nurse and sleep and. there’s no nice there is not and i try eat a nice food and yes it help but food is not a friend
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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it’s so much and it’s so much and i’m tired. i am and i’m tired and i’m doing the things but it doesn’t feel good it feels unsure and unknown and hard and exhausting and and i want to feel like i’m do a good job but i can’t it’s just i miss him i miss a friend to say, good job it’s time for rest
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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and i have so many different tries for get help get aid get insurance get disability get help there’s so many help i am try for and i’m so grateful for my advocate friend helping me but i wish for so many more help and i need to pack i need to find more apartments to send to N to see it’s so much
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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and now all the doctors are calling me bc my insurance isn’t existing and they didn’t say before or they did in the mail but i couldn’t get the mail i couldn’t read the mail or open it it’s so much and idk my life is a mess it’s a mess
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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it’s just bad and it’s hot and i’m miserable and i’m y trying to eat some foods for the stims and nostalgia to give myself comfort but that’s hard too bc some of the foods i have that i want are triggering foods and like god life is so hard it’s so hard it’s so hard. it is. it’s hard.
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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idk i will feel better when it’s all done when i have a new routine when the routine is steady but i don’t have any of that now and it’s just always so much different things always up and i’m doing it but it’s hard and idk i want. idk i want my friend back and i can’t have that so it’s just. bad
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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and i get so sad and frustrated and overwhelmed it doesn’t matter that i’m doing it or doing well, it’s so much and i’m barely denting it there’s so much to do and doing it feels so awful and exhausting i just want to rest i keep having to rally to do these things and it’s exhausting
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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;_; ok i can do this today is hard i had to talk and yesterday was talking and it’s all by myself now and it’s not him here and but i’m doing it and idk it’s not that i don’t think i can do it it’s just emotionally draining with no emotionally filling to counter it
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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ok ok ok ok i will be goodbye with the day after this no more day this is the last. yeah and then i can sleep i hope i’m taking night meds to try i’ve been up a lot long time ok today is done. no more day. just one nurse then done
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i couldn’t last week jt this week i feel so frayed but i can do it and i don’t want it to hurt more i can’t take it if it itches and hurts after i can’t oh i should take night meds too
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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my nurse has been a lot better about texting me before she comes there’s a routine now some days it’s a bit much for me but, it’s much easier that it’s a routine now and i get the heads up when she’s coming which is nice i can prepare. i remove my bandage this week
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i’m feeling kind of panicked today and lately i miss hacinf a close friend i’ve never idk he’s always been here when i needed a friend and now he’s not and idk god idk i hate this
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i feel icky for not asking for more but the lists they send are so technical and i don’t understand them so. i just said yea to them and i can’t check them always and god mt life is a mess i can’t keep up with it i just, idk i keep going forward and struggling
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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it’s $9.99 for a box of 50 so if i can’t get refills from the IV company i guess i can buy some? i don’t know at all what to do about all this it’s so awful i hate this so much
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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oh my god why did my nurse use ALL of the unisolve there were so many little packets last week i was too sick to remove my bandage and the nurse thankfully used unisolve but like all of them?? really. i don’t get more for a while…
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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oh no i have this curse too dreams are delicious
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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lol when they say that now i say, “oh are you offering?” and it’s funny how they aren’t they just… expect ‘someone’ to do it? magically?
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Kate Violette
@kateviolette.com
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It's adorable when people say "just ask a friend for help!" as if us sick folks don't experience a mass exodus of friends as soon as we got sick. Just magically get help from someone else? Gosh, why didn't I think of that
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i’m so sorry medical trauma sucks it just sucks so many i hope you return to a nice baseline soon
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i found pictures from a long time ago who do i show them to? no one cares or we don’t talk or god this life turned lonely once i got sick once the pandemic started
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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eeee sleepy friend how sweet
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i want so badly to tell him how i am but, that isn’t ok anymore he’s all stressed and shut down and i get that but also, what do i do instead? how do i handle all of this instead? how do i do it without him?
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i’ve never done any of this without him and he doesn’t have to be with me it’s his choice we can just be distant friends but how do i do any of this without him? without the man who’s been here with me the whole time?
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i’ve never done this without him and it’s so scary and he’s not here i mean he’s never been here but, emotionally here he’s not here and i have to do all these things alone he’s always been here when i was sick he was here before i got worse
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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and maybe i i’m so tired idk maybe i just go more into debt? but what do i even do about that what do i do with a ton of debt i can’t pay i’m so tired of all of this. all of it all of it and tired of being alone i want care right now i want ;_; idk idk how to do this without him
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i need to count my IV i might not get another IV delivery because my insurance lapsed and i’m trying to figure it out and it’s so awful and
idk idk
i use a bag of saline every day and it’s awful to think what if i lose that, my brain will be so fog
#NEISvoid
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i don’t want to do the nurse day i do not i don’t want nurse day today was a hard week this is a hard day i don’t want this i don’t want nurse day i want a hug and some love and some care i don’t want nurse day ;_; i’m so exhausted and over it all
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i miss that now it’s just. what i want to do on my own. and it’s so hard to do everything because it hurts, i’m scared of crashing, idk it’s so hard. everything is so hard and i did heal more without him. but also, i miss the comfort
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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and i miss that a lot i miss being open with someone he pushed me to do more when i recovered. not because he asked me to. but, just being around him i wanted to do more. it helped in my recovery. i felt comfortable resting around him, and also wanted to talk. it was amazing
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i had to talk to a lawyer
it’s funny. if i talked to my ex i could talk much smoother
but needing to think about stuff is harder. referencing the past, answering properly, it’s so much. part of that is #ActuallyAutistic masking i have to do when i talk to others
i didn’t need to mask around him
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i’m more able to talk lately which is nice but also i have to use the voice to do stuff official things every time i gain back even a little function now i have to throw it to emergencies it’s so rough. it’s just chores all of the time, and survival. and not enough love
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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my nail clippers i think they drop into the trash bag accident ally and now they are no more and i need them
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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please give me the ability to get through this please let my voice be okay to speak for the things i need to work out please let me find a way to make this work please
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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god i want to be loved so badly i could cry i’m so grateful for the community i had to go no contact with my conservative leaning non masking family my (online) partner left me months ago and losing that support sucks i’m so tired
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i’m trying to fix it all summer is my best month i’ve been on leave from work for nearly a year recovering from a crash they caused and it’s awful and i’m so overwhelmed i crashed from the stress of my landlord refusing to add a roommate to the lease in a mean way
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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my insurance lapsed because my work messed up, and i was too sick to realize it, and now i owe them $6k and also do not have insurance i’m working to repair that. but also i haven’t made rent (they haven’t cashed the check), i can’t afford the meds even with the discount card i have, or supplements
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Pumpkin
@pumpkinstars.bsky.social
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i do feel a little better though i do the chewing that helped yeah some of the anxious like wired feelings went away
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