Remi

wint @dril.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 19, 2023 at 17:59 UTC

Alright, youre new here, so lemme tell you how it works. On this site, we are all Blue Mages. We can only use magic stolen from other users. We win arguments by posting lists of our health problems. And we Never. Quote tweet. Doulas

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 01:52 UTC

I’ll be honest I still feel like shit from earlier At least I can get high now. Wish I could lose myself in FFXIV but maintenance

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 23:05 UTC

There is a neighborhood cat (stray?) that does the same thing for pets (really fun when she blocks the driveway until I give her pets)

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 20:36 UTC

This is a cognito hazard Fuck Alito Marry Kavanaugh Kill Thomas

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 20:12 UTC

Bluesky was the worst platform for this and my thoughts are a mess over the most emotionally complicated couple hours I’ve ever had it all started with me finding out I graduated while taking a shit, which is appropriate for me at least lmao. CW For Suicide Ideation if you choose to read it all

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 20:06 UTC

This was overly long, now im gonna go back to talking with people that make me feel valid.

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 20:02 UTC

I felt like shit, I still do. Yeah I fucked up. But that was the past. Hell that was Andrew, someone that’s not me anymore. And Remi doesn’t need to hear anymore about the his failures anymore.

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:59 UTC

It started to bring back feelings I had been doing a pretty good job at ignoring, nay, not feeling anymore. I cried again but this time it was weeping and not tears of joy. The most I could say “I couldn’t have done this all those years ago” and hastily end the call before I could barely talk

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:50 UTC

Or maybe this friction had opened my eyes to things? I don’t know. But she called me to congratulate me she couldn’t help but add “imagine if you had done this years ago, it could’ve cost so much less money, you could’ve had so many opportunities” blah blah blah I had kind of stopped listening

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:46 UTC

TBC, I love my mom. I respect her so much for what she did, raising me and my brother on her own, getting away from my father abusing everyone around him But the whole me being trans thing has started to create… some friction I think

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:39 UTC

And it’s all cause I met some trans weebs on discord that my life finally has a reason to continue. I should only feel joy right now, right? But those feelings are muddied right now

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:35 UTC

For the first time in my life capital I “I” wanna do something I feel the best I have in my life It’ll be hard but I see a light at the end of the tunnel for the first time, I’m not just going through the motions simply waiting for the day I’ll finally have the courage to make the pain go away

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:31 UTC

I have a goal now, a purpose. I wanna fully transition I wanna teach. Hell the reason I got through high school was in no small part having teachers I could relate to and created little bright spots that broke through my depression, if I can be that for one kid then I’ll be happy with my life

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:24 UTC

And I was doing it and then for the first time I can recall I was thinking “oh, I’m actually doing the thing. What do I wanna do next?” For the first time I was doing this for me, not just because I was told that I should be doing something. I’m still not used to it.

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:20 UTC

And those girls I met in that visual novel discord have been with me, encouraging me, and do the same for them. And it was in that group with others talking about going to college I decided “hey what if I just get my last two courses done for my AA” and so I’ve done it

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:17 UTC

But with estrogen in my brain I can finally say I’m happy for the first time in my life? at least since puberty, experiencing emotions that have been suppressed for so long, I look forward in a way I never did before Transitioning, even a little bit, has been the greatest decision I’ve ever made

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:13 UTC

That community encouraged me to finally come out as a trans woman in a way I needed to. Encouraged me to finally go to Planned Parenthood weeks before Desantis began his crusade against trans rights here in Florida, which has given me no small amount of anxiety about existing.

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:10 UTC

When I was first in there one girl asked me some questions about why I was there. At the time I didn’t really have an identity. I had cracked before but I also was so listless I kind of just ignored it. When asked how i felt I was “I’m not cis probably but idk” because I didn’t care about myself

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:08 UTC

then January of 2023 I joined a discord for a VN. The server was primarily trans girls cause the game was pretty fucking trans and heavily featured GB. I liked the game, I liked the themes, I decided why not

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 19:03 UTC

And this went on for years, I basically wasted a decade of my life working retail, saying “oh I’ll finish up my AA next semester, then I’ll be able to get a better job” But I never did, and I was never gonna as long as I stayed like that. And I knew that at the time but had no plans to change

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 18:59 UTC

And when I finally had to answer for my failures I basically just shrugged I hated that I failed but I just didn’t care about it, or anything else. Least of all myself, so I got a retail job and kind of just went through the motions because I was too much a bitch to go with the intrusive thoughts

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 18:56 UTC

I went and bashed my head against that wall, trying to be a CE major cause idk, I like computers and everyone tells me to be an engineer so I was like “I guess” And I struggled, I failed, I hated myself. I started no lifeing League and I sucked at that too but at least I felt some sort of control

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 18:52 UTC

Which is a recurring theme for much of my life. I didn’t have anything to look forward to myself, felt like I didn’t have a drive for anything so I just did what people told me to do, told me to feel I was basically a passenger in my own body cause I had nothing else to think, I just wasn’t happy

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 18:49 UTC

I’ve fucked up a lot in my life for stupid reasons. I was constantly depressed, hated myself for so long. Felt inadequate when I struggled and I just kind of shut down after I failed out at FAU. Part of that was being railroaded into stem because I was told that’s what I needed to do to be happy

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 18:46 UTC

This is gonna be a whole thread

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 18:46 UTC

going through a lot of emotions right now Learned that I passed my stats class and I am now officially graduating with an AA from Broward College I cried My goal was to get it before I turned 30, a meaningless milestone but something that gave me some modicum of drive I turn 30 in three days

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Remi @hemii.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 25, 2024 at 19:00 UTC

Well passed my state mandated civics test, even with the Florida moon logic, assuming I passed my stats class this semester once those grades are submitted I’ll officially have my AA finally. Weird to think this could be my last time here and it’s just a quiet, gloomy summer day.

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