Lizzy Esq.'s avatar

Lizzy Esq.

@lizzyraven.bsky.social

726 followers 2519 following 562 posts

Sarcastic lawyer and all around bad influence. Gender is fake and fun. She/Her.

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

blaine capatch's avatar blaine capatch @blainecapatch.bsky.social
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me: i'll have a Coke waiter: we don't have Coke, we have a locally made natural cola, is that okay? me: no

18 replies 40 reposts 438 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Meanwhile, in the 25th Amendment group chat HARRIS: We must not become disconsed in the juniper bush of despair. A frangellation of jubilosity is at hand, we need only engraspulate it. BUTTIGIEG: Great news, fellas. The on-time departure rate at O'Hare is up by 1.6%. MAYORKAS: GOD DAMN IT YOU TWO

0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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I'd love to see what Pete Buttigieg is saying on the 25th Amendment group chat rn

1 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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YOU GIVE THAT BEAR SOME HONEYCOMB RIGHT NOW

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Kramer walks in. "Oh hey, buddy. I left you an Amazon review." "YOU left me a three-star review?" "Well sure. I would have given you more but it was...you know." "Mid?" "Soooo mid."

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Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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George self-publishes a book on Amazon and is upset that every single review is three stars. "I'm mid, Jerry! Everyone out there thinks I'm mid! How am I supposed to live like this? How can I be mid, Jerry?" "You're a mid writer. You're not a mid person." "I'm mid George! It's all one mid!"

1 replies 1 reposts 5 likes

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

more mr. nice guy 's avatar more mr. nice guy @juniorhoncho.bsky.social
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the Munsters could start acting and dressing normal and people wouldn't notice they're draculas or franklinsteins or whatever. whereas with the Addams family, one of them is a hand

44 replies 216 reposts 1554 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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There's a 99 that runs through the San Joaquin Valley in California. Not quite the western edge but close.

2 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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[New Yorkers gathered around the new plastic trash can, screaming and howling at it like the apes in 2001]

1 replies 3 reposts 28 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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"Look on my tits, ye mighty, and despair." - Onlyfansdias

0 replies 3 reposts 13 likes

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

executive editor, barbell quarterly's avatar executive editor, barbell quarterly @swolecialism.bsky.social
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No but I love when all you beautiful sickos start posting shit like "Bogroubler flips Hambarn upon Gwynyychlyyrah! A huge result!" It's like hanging out with people being poisoned by carbon monoxide. None of those places are real

20 replies 48 reposts 383 likes

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

Ian Boudreau's avatar Ian Boudreau @iboudreau.bsky.social
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Anyway congratulations to the Tories on absolutely eating shit. You've worked so hard for this

7 replies 33 reposts 351 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Just think, if Kamala Harris becomes President she can finally forgive student loans for Pell Grant recipients who start a business that operates for three years in disadvantaged communities.

0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Teach your dog some patriotism and he won't be scared of fireworks.

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Mitt Romney famously did this with a tuxedo jacket.

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Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Married with Children was such a ridiculous show. "Oh bloo bloo, I have a steady job, a three-bedroom house, and a hot wife who always wants to fuck me. I'm a downtrodden everyman, bloo bloo."

1 replies 1 reposts 9 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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On the one hand [gestures broadly] but on the other hand I've consumed more tequila this evening than any medieval European king consumed in his lifetime.

0 replies 1 reposts 13 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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You invented a whole new kind of asshole.

0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Uncle Jimbo yelling "It's coming right for us!" except it's Trump yelling "This is an official act!"

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Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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I can't believe Eddie Murphy was such a baby about David Spade's falling star joke *at the time*, let alone still fussing about it thirty years later.

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Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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I love tequila. I love that it takes something pure and sweet and makes it better by making it worse.

0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Gin is a liquor for those who understand that the natural state of man is suffering, and you must find pleasure in the suffering. Rum is pure hedonism.

10 replies 5 reposts 43 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Clearly the thing for Biden to do is make amending the Administrative Procedure Act to require judicial deference to reasonable statutory interpretation by federal agencies a signature issue of his campaign. That's what the people really care about.

0 replies 2 reposts 8 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Please, think of the law professors.

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Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Justice Jackson's opinion IN FAVOR of the January 6 defendant is real East Coast law professor bullshit. "Social justice demands that we not prosecute people for storming the Capitol unless Congress explicitly tells us we can." Please.

0 replies 0 reposts 9 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Imagine how much lighter the national mood would be if it was Nikki Haley vs. Gretchen Whitmer. The people didn't choose this, it's being done to us.

2 replies 1 reposts 4 likes

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Imagine doing something this insane and the big "gotcha" is that your boyfriend is saying good morning and good night to other girls.

0 replies 0 reposts 7 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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I just watched the video for "Espresso" by Sabrina Carpenter and if I were any of the humans involved in producing that song and/or video, including Sabrina Carpenter herself, I would be terrified about AI taking my job.

2 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Reposted by Lizzy Esq.

futurejeffrey🙋🏻‍♂️'s avatar futurejeffrey🙋🏻‍♂️ @lacroixboi.lol
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🎶and I said what about SECOND breakfast at Tiffany’s🎵

22 replies 124 reposts 531 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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Sadly we found out today that our son has developed severe allergies and can no longer live with our cats, so I'm in search of a loving home that can take in a friendly, housetrained teenage boy.

1 replies 4 reposts 32 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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"I mixed M&Ms and Skittles together." "You devil. You absolute madman. How could you." "This bag of Jelly Belly jellybeans has a bunch of fruit flavors mixed with things like coffee, chocolate, cinnamon, Dr. Pepper(!), marshmallow, and buttered popcorn(!!!)." "Yes, this is the correct way."

0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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My most heretical comedy opinion is that Andy Kaufman wasn't funny, he was just an asshole.

0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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I think if Lady Gaga wants to be taken seriously as an actress she should transition to her real name. Dwayne Johnson did that because it was silly to have "The Rock" in film credits for *stupid* movies. Lady Gaga is out here trying to make "And the Academy Award goes to Lady Gaga" happen.

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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I love the fact that the Alitos were flimflammed by a random woman at a party who basically went up to them and said "Hi, I'm a conservative Catholic. Would you like to make any inflammatory comments about gays and liberals?"

1 replies 4 reposts 24 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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In broad daylight, Trump is an unhinged senile fascist.

0 replies 1 reposts 13 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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We should also tax Aunt Edna's second summer home though.

1 replies 1 reposts 9 likes

Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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A stripper once got her fishnet stocking caught on my shirt button so I can relate to this.

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Lizzy Esq.'s avatar Lizzy Esq. @lizzyraven.bsky.social
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A street racing vampire is a NOSferatu.

0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes