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Sorrowscopes@sorrowscopes.bsky.social |
6056 followers 76 following 830 posts
Things are terrible (we follow our contributors)
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Edmonds Scanner
@edmondsscanner.bsky.social
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It's ok if you haven't finished your novel yet. It's ok if you haven't made the bed. It's ok if you haven't broken free of your chrysalis, unfurled your great black wings, and spread moss & gloom across the wildlands. There's still time.
16 replies 212 reposts 684 likes
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cakemittens
@cakemittens.bsky.social
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biker gang leather jacket but it just says ERROL MORRIS on the back
1 replies 4 reposts 26 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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please submit something if you’re ever inclined (sorrowscopes@gmail.com)
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE WHO’S TRANSPORTING YOUR SOUL ACROSS THE RIVER STYX
2 replies 14 reposts 93 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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It’s time
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Aries: This is a good time to travel and grow the fuck up.
1 replies 14 reposts 93 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Taurus: Things may seem bad now, but you'll make them worse. This is your gift, and everyone else's curse.
4 replies 32 reposts 133 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Gemini: It's time. Raise an army of scorpions and destroy everyone who has hurt you and never asked to be forgiven.
8 replies 25 reposts 120 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Cancer: Scientists have discovered a link between depression and seeing your face.
0 replies 16 reposts 84 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Leo: You will break down publicly. Your tears will be like a fine wine to many you considered closest to you. Glug, glug, glug.
0 replies 12 reposts 51 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Virgo: You will continue to haunt your own house, praying for any connection to those actually alive.
2 replies 20 reposts 63 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Libra: You long for companionship, yet you are incapable of true intimacy. Get an Amazon Echo instead.
2 replies 6 reposts 51 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Scorpio: Fragments of memory will come back to you at unexpected moments, detailing your previous life as some sort of pet to an intergalactic traveller. You will miss this time of no responsibilities intensely but they are gone forever.
1 replies 31 reposts 97 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Sagittarius: Mermaids were actually manatees that drunken sailors mistook for beautiful creatures, just like you with your ex.
5 replies 15 reposts 78 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Capricorn: Your DNA test will reveal a long lost brother which you’ll think is pretty cool until you find out he needs a kidney.
1 replies 9 reposts 63 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Aquarius: You will win the power ball! Not the lottery, the magical artifact that men kill over.
4 replies 14 reposts 84 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Pisces: You’ll get promoted this week after you sacrifice a coworker to the gods.
2 replies 19 reposts 73 likes
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Hi, it’s Abby. Yep.
@abbycohenwl.bsky.social
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Some of you didn’t spend the summer stripping the Barbies you’d outgrown naked, turning the hose on full blast and repeatedly shooting them off the edge of the birdbath and it shows
6 replies 29 reposts 180 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE WEIRD GUY AT 7-ELEVEN WHO WORKS THE HOT DOG ROLLER
0 replies 15 reposts 97 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Aries: Even the voices in your head are annoying.
4 replies 25 reposts 98 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Taurus: Crippling melancholy and chill.
2 replies 33 reposts 105 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Gemini: Half of you wants to see the world. Half of you wants to change it. All of you is gonna get too drunk and order a cat bed online.
4 replies 21 reposts 109 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Cancer: Love is waiting for you around the next corner. Or possibly the cops. Either way, be careful.
2 replies 21 reposts 94 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Leo: The Alternate Universes you imagine consider you a god. A terrible, capricious, cruel god who cannot be worshiped, only feared.
2 replies 19 reposts 67 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Virgo: When all your other memories have succumbed to the ravages of time and biology, what you do today will still be there with you. Make it count. Hug a child. Have a nice meal. Piss in your neighbor's gas tank. Whatever makes you smile.
1 replies 25 reposts 80 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Libra: Today would be a perfect day to look into getting a fake passport.
0 replies 18 reposts 90 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Scorpio: Today you will discover what the "it" refers to when people say "It's raining." This will be your last discovery.
0 replies 25 reposts 127 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Sagittarius: They say the wind from a single butterfly can change the course of history. They are morons and butterfly worshippers.
1 replies 31 reposts 126 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Capricorn: You will discover a briefcase buried in your yard. Inside are hundreds of pictures of you sleeping.
0 replies 17 reposts 75 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Aquarius: Everyone feels like they’re being pulled in two directions at one time or another. In your case, it will be by two horses running in opposite directions.
2 replies 12 reposts 62 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Pisces: You wouldn’t happen to have some garlic, a crucifix, and a wooden stake by any chance?
2 replies 25 reposts 91 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE HEADLESS BOG WITCH WHO CRIES FOR VENGEANCE
3 replies 32 reposts 159 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Aries: Scientists will finally discover why you cry so much.
4 replies 20 reposts 130 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Taurus: The first step to forgiveness is crushing your enemies. Actual forgiveness comes later.
4 replies 57 reposts 184 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Gemini: You will win a hovercraft! That's right, every Gemini in the world gets a free hovercraft this week. Chaos will ensue.
5 replies 35 reposts 124 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Cancer: You will create more unnecessary drama this week. Yaaay.
1 replies 15 reposts 100 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Leo: Love is in the air. Unfortunately, it’s toxic in concentrated amounts. Side effects include laughter & writing letters.
1 replies 23 reposts 85 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Virgo: Your life is like a puzzle: It's in pieces, and children get bored with it easily.
0 replies 23 reposts 79 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Libra: The anesthesia will wear off a tiny bit and you'll hear the surgeon say, "Oh my God." But when you wake up you’ll be told everything went well.
2 replies 17 reposts 110 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Scorpio: You will meet the love of someone else's life today. You will never know the happiness you prevented
0 replies 27 reposts 136 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Sagittarius: You're not a ghost, everyone besides that creepy kid is just sick of your bullshit.
0 replies 27 reposts 84 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Capricorn: There are two kinds of Capricorn: The tank-bred homunculi born of sickness and rot, and the mutant android super soldiers we built to defeat them.
3 replies 17 reposts 78 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Aquarius: “Swallowed by the World’s Biggest Snake” is not how you hoped to become famous.
2 replies 12 reposts 59 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Pisces: Today colors seem brighter, life seems better. You've either got a budding romance, or we've installed the chip in your neck.
6 replies 21 reposts 90 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MAN IN THE YELLOW HAZMAT SUIT WHO’S COLLECTING YOUR BLOOD SAMPLE
0 replies 20 reposts 121 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Aries: Nothing can stop you from achieving your dreams, except reality.
4 replies 41 reposts 142 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Taurus: Summer fashions are here but don’t let that distract you from the inevitable death of the universe.
0 replies 28 reposts 98 likes
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
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Gemini: There’s a big, bright, beautiful world out there just waiting for you to defile it.
2 replies 22 reposts 91 likes