Sorrowscopes

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social [ View ] Jul 06, 2024 at 02:32 UTC

They’re not teardrops, they’re acorns. For every druid I killed

0 replies 13 reposts 70 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 18:59 UTC

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE WEIRD GUY AT 7-ELEVEN WHO WORKS THE HOT DOG ROLLER

0 replies 15 reposts 95 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:45 UTC

Aries: Even the voices in your head are annoying.

3 replies 24 reposts 94 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:45 UTC

Taurus: Crippling melancholy and chill.

2 replies 31 reposts 97 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:45 UTC

Gemini: Half of you wants to see the world. Half of you wants to change it. All of you is gonna get too drunk and order a cat bed online.

4 replies 21 reposts 103 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:45 UTC

Cancer: Love is waiting for you around the next corner. Or possibly the cops. Either way, be careful.

2 replies 17 reposts 86 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:44 UTC

Leo: The Alternate Universes you imagine consider you a god. A terrible, capricious, cruel god who cannot be worshiped, only feared.

2 replies 19 reposts 65 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:44 UTC

Virgo: When all your other memories have succumbed to the ravages of time and biology, what you do today will still be there with you. Make it count. Hug a child. Have a nice meal. Piss in your neighbor's gas tank. Whatever makes you smile.

1 replies 24 reposts 78 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:44 UTC

Libra: Today would be a perfect day to look into getting a fake passport.

0 replies 18 reposts 88 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:44 UTC

Scorpio: Today you will discover what the "it" refers to when people say "It's raining." This will be your last discovery.

0 replies 24 reposts 122 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:44 UTC

Sagittarius: They say the wind from a single butterfly can change the course of history. They are morons and butterfly worshippers.

1 replies 31 reposts 124 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:43 UTC

Capricorn: You will discover a briefcase buried in your yard. Inside are hundreds of pictures of you sleeping.

0 replies 16 reposts 71 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:42 UTC

Aquarius: Everyone feels like they’re being pulled in two directions at one time or another. In your case, it will be by two horses running in opposite directions.

2 replies 12 reposts 59 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:42 UTC

Pisces: You wouldn’t happen to have some garlic, a crucifix, and a wooden stake by any chance?

2 replies 23 reposts 86 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 17:07 UTC

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE HEADLESS BOG WITCH WHO CRIES FOR VENGEANCE

3 replies 32 reposts 159 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:28 UTC

Aries: Scientists will finally discover why you cry so much.

4 replies 20 reposts 130 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:28 UTC

Taurus: The first step to forgiveness is crushing your enemies. Actual forgiveness comes later.

4 replies 57 reposts 183 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:28 UTC

Gemini: You will win a hovercraft! That's right, every Gemini in the world gets a free hovercraft this week. Chaos will ensue.

5 replies 35 reposts 124 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:28 UTC

Cancer: You will create more unnecessary drama this week. Yaaay.

1 replies 15 reposts 99 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:27 UTC

Leo: Love is in the air. Unfortunately, it’s toxic in concentrated amounts. Side effects include laughter & writing letters.

1 replies 23 reposts 85 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:27 UTC

Virgo: Your life is like a puzzle: It's in pieces, and children get bored with it easily.

0 replies 23 reposts 79 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:27 UTC

Libra: The anesthesia will wear off a tiny bit and you'll hear the surgeon say, "Oh my God." But when you wake up you’ll be told everything went well.

2 replies 17 reposts 110 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:27 UTC

Scorpio: You will meet the love of someone else's life today. You will never know the happiness you prevented

0 replies 27 reposts 134 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:27 UTC

Sagittarius: You're not a ghost, everyone besides that creepy kid is just sick of your bullshit.

0 replies 27 reposts 84 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:26 UTC

Capricorn: There are two kinds of Capricorn: The tank-bred homunculi born of sickness and rot, and the mutant android super soldiers we built to defeat them.

3 replies 17 reposts 78 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:26 UTC

Aquarius: “Swallowed by the World’s Biggest Snake” is not how you hoped to become famous.

2 replies 12 reposts 59 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 23, 2024 at 16:26 UTC

Pisces: Today colors seem brighter, life seems better. You've either got a budding romance, or we've installed the chip in your neck.

6 replies 21 reposts 90 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 17:11 UTC

THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MAN IN THE YELLOW HAZMAT SUIT WHO’S COLLECTING YOUR BLOOD SAMPLE

0 replies 20 reposts 121 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:54 UTC

Aries: Nothing can stop you from achieving your dreams, except reality.

4 replies 41 reposts 142 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:54 UTC

Taurus: Summer fashions are here but don’t let that distract you from the inevitable death of the universe.

0 replies 28 reposts 98 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:54 UTC

Gemini: There’s a big, bright, beautiful world out there just waiting for you to defile it.

2 replies 22 reposts 91 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:54 UTC

Cancer: That long lost friend isn't calling you to catch up; they're calling to see if the hitman they hired has gotten you yet.

1 replies 12 reposts 93 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:53 UTC

Leo: We’re not going to sugar coat it: Bigfoot WILL steal your car this week.

4 replies 18 reposts 83 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:52 UTC

Virgo: Your subscription to reality has been cancelled. If you feel this has been done in error, text HELP to the burning eyes in the darkness of The Void.

0 replies 23 reposts 84 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:52 UTC

Libra: The good news is that you will live a long life. The bad news is that you'll outlive every dream you ever had.

0 replies 8 reposts 73 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:52 UTC

Scorpio: If at first you don't succeed, do not try again. Government agents will be informed of your failures, and the evidence buried at sea.

0 replies 15 reposts 78 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:51 UTC

Sagittarius: Your mentor is plotting something. You are becoming too powerful. Put new batteries in your lightsaber.

2 replies 11 reposts 82 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:51 UTC

Capricorn: Stop beating up on yourself emotionally. You're as bad at that as you are at everything else.

1 replies 25 reposts 93 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:51 UTC

Aquarius: Go wild, be rebellious, live your best life. No one is really paying attention to you anyway- not since the “incident."

2 replies 25 reposts 99 likes

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social [ View ] Jun 16, 2024 at 16:50 UTC

Pisces: Things have not been easy for you lately. Is it because you failed to share a chain email with 10 of your closest friends back in 2004? The stars would say yes.

1 replies 26 reposts 127 likes