|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸@writepop.bsky.social |
763 followers 1080 following 2006 posts
Science fiction writer and humorist. Get my books, free stories, and writing tips at: dnschmidt.com
My posts: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:3nnyps5gbtsw5vp5owlehuvd/feed/aaacz2uzt6fqg
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
“Look at this horribly offensive thing! You’ll just hate seeing it! Look at the awful, stupid opinions this person posts, probably just to get attention! Look!!”
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Philosophy podcasts: “In your book Philosophy Refined, you say you’ve spent a lifetime clarifying and simplifying your ideas.” “My work vis-à-vis ideas focuses on the self, not the self as self per se, but the relationship between myself and the self, and the dichotomy between them.” “…Amazing.”
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
The bully holding me down: Say uncle! Me: Uncle! Uncle! Bully: Now name a tower used for holding power lines above the ground! Me: Pylon! Pylon! * Eight more bullies jump on top of me *
0 replies 2 reposts 6 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(4/4) Eric's earlier self opened the time machine doors. He turned, frowning. "I thought I heard a scream." His assistant Amy shrugged. "Probably just some kids playing outside." "Ah, must be summer vacation. This time, let’s try six centuries in the past. I want to see something new!"
0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(3/4) Estimating his distance from earth, he set his return time 8.37 seconds earlier to counteract the drift. He pressed the button. Instead of the lab, he saw dusty brick. Wires and pipes ran through the time machine and into his body. His miscalculation had entombed him in the wall.
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(2/4) If he returned to the present now, his location would be off by 148 miles. That would put him somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. Or inside them. If he didn't return, he would soon run out of air. He tried meditating to slow his breathing, but couldn’t focus.
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Eric stared out at the stars. He was #emboxed in his time machine, floating in space. The time machine's location anchor had malfunctioned. It hadn't adjusted for earth's position six centuries in the past.
He was sailing through nothingness, farther and farther from home.
(1/4)
#vss365 #vss
1 replies 1 reposts 11 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
“A particle accelerator accident split my consciousness across the multiverse,” Eric said. “I’m experiencing every version of myself simultaneously…. And in every parallel universe where I’m the parent, I let you have all the cookies you want!”
“Nice try, kiddo,” Mommy said.
#vss
0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Captain Eric and Amy were on Lazoo IX to rescue some defecting scientists.
“The laws are nuts here,” Eric said. “A tourist was jaywalking, and a robot cop #excogitated him. Cut his head right off!”
Amy sighed. “Did you try that word of the day calendar yet?”
“Eh, I skim it.”
#vss365 #vss
0 replies 1 reposts 8 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
If you are an American who would like to live in Canada, and you don’t want to sneak across the border in a hollowed-out moose carcass, you might be able to become a Canadian citizen...
dnschmidt.com/humor/so-you...
0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
A friend tried to make a Wikipedia page about his favorite indie author, but editors decided he wasn’t “notable” enough. He wrote ten books that grownups enjoy? Who cares? He should have tried being the fourth evolution of a D-list Pokémon. Now Porkasaurus, he’s important!
0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(2/2) Sir Eric woke the sleeping prisoners and sent them home in a carriage. "I'd better make sure no one else gets trapped," he thought. He put up a warning sign. "Do Not Trust Magic Tree". He brushed off his hands. "There, that should do it."
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
"You can't keep #gallivanting around the kingdom," the tree said. "You look tired. I offer you rest! Experience the sleep of ages!"
Sir Eric raised his axe. "Let those people go or become a credenza."
“Wait! Wait!” The tree opened its trunk, releasing its sleeping prisoners.
(1/2)
#vss365
2 replies 1 reposts 8 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Me: As this slide shows, if our Q4 sales figures Beastie Boys: INCREASE! Me: We'll go international, like Turkey or Beastie Boys: Greece! Me: We should take another bank Beastie Boys: LOAN! Me: Because of how our sales have Beastie Boys: GROWN! Me: ...C'mon, guys, that's super distracting.
0 replies 2 reposts 4 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Eric stared up at the stars. He imagined being a starship captain, traveling the galaxy on endless adventures.
Imaginary space heroes had made more of a mark on the world than he ever could. When he died, he would simply #vanish. No one would know he was ever here.
#vss365 #vss
0 replies 1 reposts 9 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Now this is art.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
He grabs his opponent and then Axel Foley sticks a banana in their tailpipe?
1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(2/2)
He returned her squint. "I just want to know why you're preparing for a riot. What are you planning?"
The green light on the box was still flashing. "Oh, I forgot to switch it off."
"Or did Koby the intern sneak in and switch it back on??"
She grabbed a baseball bat. "Let's get him."
#vss
0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Captain Eric went to Amy's lab to see her new invention.
She gestured dramatically to a box on the table. "It's a Suspicion Generator!"
He raised an eyebrow. "What's it for?"
"It's to make rioters distrust each other and disperse." She squinted. "..Why do you want to know?"
(1/2) #vss
1 replies 1 reposts 6 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
He may not be judgey, but he sure is Reinholdy!
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
It's a wonder that I haven't gotten a graphic design job yet. My skills are simply astounding.
0 replies 4 reposts 16 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
When your kingdom is being attacked by a clockwork monster, but you tricked some kid into fighting it for you:
amazon.com/dp/B0D3X1W8K8
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Judge Reinhold not, lest ye be Judge Reinholded.
1 replies 1 reposts 7 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Personally, I prefer the front, but maybe that’s just me.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Fortunately, I always take a spare pair of legs with me.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Amy presented Captain Eric with her new invention. “It’s a heat gun!” she said. “It burns holes in anything!”
“But my laser gun burns holes, too,” he said. “So what’s the difference?”
“This one is more burnier… super heated… hot sauce… Look, just use it or they’ll cancel my grant funding.”
#vss
0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Thanks!
Check out these weird science fiction stories in The Doom Tapes!
Join video store clerks to fight off an alien invasion! Play poker with interdimensional parasites! Battle the galaxy's deadliest meatloaf!
mybook.to/doomtapes
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(2/2)
Amy #furtively entered the simulator room. Surprisingly, the simulation was of a bedroom full of toys and stuffed animals. "What is all this?"
Eric blushed. "Running a starship is stressful, okay?"
She nodded. "Being lead scientist is stressful, too. Hand me that bunny."
#vss365
0 replies 1 reposts 8 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Captain Eric slipped away from the bridge, a #furtive look in his eye. He slipped down the hall to the simulation room and stepped inside.
"He's sneaking off again?" Amy thought. "I bet he's fallen in love with a simulated girlfriend, the big dummy. I'm going to go tease him..."
(1/2)
#vss365
1 replies 1 reposts 7 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
They should end every presidential debate with a presidential hotdog eating contest.
0 replies 3 reposts 7 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Video game idea: You play an introverted astronaut trying to escape a party filled with overly touchy aliens. Call it “Personal Space Invaders.”
0 replies 3 reposts 7 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
The Hypothetical Woman - A Science Fiction Story
The campus was surrounded by protesters waving signs and shouting about doors to parallel worlds. Silly conspiracy theories. Next they would say the moon landing had to be faked because of all the space ghosts...
dnschmidt.com/science-fict...
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Nothing in the article sounds remotely plausible. This has to be a joke, right?
1 replies 0 reposts 7 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
“You want me to run for president?” Dr. Eyeball asked. “But my Skull Satellite just exploded several orphanages.”
The consultants nodded. “Our clients feel that running against an infamous super villain will downplay their… moral shortcomings.”
“Sorry, but politics is too evil, even for me.”
#vss
0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Know your ghost sounds! Poltergeist - Boooooo! Polterguest - What’s your Wi-Fi password? Poltergeese - Honk! Honk! Poltergist - Three examples is plenty. You get the idea.
0 replies 9 reposts 30 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
My cousin Clevis came over to show me his invention. “Everybody’s into fitness, right? They got them step tracking phones, step tracking watches, but why not put step tracking right in your shoes?” “You just glued tape measures to your sneakers.” “Shh, that’s a trade secret!”
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Sir Eric kicked open the church doors.
The Sea Monk had the the congregation trapped, preparing to devour them. "You can't harm me! I'm invulnerable on land! Only a sea creature can pierce my flesh!"
Sir Eric smirked. "That's why I brought a #serrated sword... with scalloped edges!"
#vss365 #vss
1 replies 1 reposts 9 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Sexy Pringles in your area
1 replies 3 reposts 4 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
There should be a book review channel where the host knows all the characters and their “review” is just gossiping about them. “Well, I heard Trillian went off with some guy she just met at a party. He turned out to be a creepy space alien. …And bicephalic. What a weirdo!”
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(2/2)
Days later, Sir Eric gathered a crowd in the tavern, telling the tale of Flambé, the #draconian philosopher.
“Forcing that much freedom on the villagers was cruel and foolish,” he explained. “So I had to cut his head off. For the people’s safety, you see.”
“Bravo, good sir!”
#vss365 #vss
0 replies 1 reposts 6 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Sir Eric stormed into the village. “I’m here to free the people from your #draconian rule, King Flambé!”
The dragon laughed. “I’m no king! I’m a philosopher! I’m here to lead the people away from the old political system and it’s taxes and rulers and knights…”
“W-what?”
(1/2)
#vss365 #vss
1 replies 1 reposts 5 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
I made my own granola for a while, but when I started gaining weight, I realized the recipe was something like four times the calories of the store bought stuff. Oops!
1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Cereal companies will say "raisins and nuts" on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal "Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once," or "Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins." It's basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
2 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
People in other time zones - What's it like living in the future? Do we have flying cars yet?
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Fun fact: In the first draft of the “Sharknado” movie, the tornado was filled with just harmless, little fishies. But the producers didn’t think anyone would see a movie called “Aficionado.”
0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
He might have been a little confused about why I was taking his picture. Here’s a happier picture:
1 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Sure, I think he would love that! 😀
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Roscoe wanted me to remind everyone that whenever I sell a book, he gets a treat. Help a good boy get snacks!
3 replies 7 reposts 25 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(3/3)
"No problem," Cerus laughed. "Idiot!"
"I'm drinking #Besotted Bazillionaire," Eric said. "As a world-saving starship captain, I can afford a whole bottle. I know one shot costs double a cadet’s salary, but surely you won't give up that easily..."
Cerus groaned. "Ugh! You win!"
#vss365
0 replies 1 reposts 7 likes
|
|
D.N. Schmidt, Space Opera Author 🛸
@writepop.bsky.social
[ View ] |
(2/2)
"Eric!" Amy gasped. "You're already drunk, and he's a Scandentian. His species can't even get #besotted."
"It's the only way he'll follow orders," Eric said. "It's either this or the little jerk will end up in the brig."
Eric turned to Cerus. "Match me shot for shot."
#vss365
1 replies 1 reposts 6 likes