Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc

Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:36 UTC

But the part that stuck with me was that I had definitely measured twice, because I was fixated on getting it right.

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:35 UTC

Because I stopped and did that in the middle of ordering. I don't remember the decision process, but it would make sense that I might have seen the different lengths and thought, "Oh, I wonder if a shorter length would work for me." Because I did feel conflicted about the cats.

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:33 UTC

The curtains aren't for our privacy, they aren't to blackout the room, they're there to stop the sunlight from hitting my human eye level when I'm sitting in my chair or walking through the room. Typing this out, I'm pretty sure that was what I was looking for when I went back and measured again.

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:32 UTC

And as soon as he says that, I look at the windows again, and the gap at the bottom... where sunlight can stream in and hit the floor but not me, perfect size for a cat at windowsill height to sit and look out, and. Yes. Right. That makes sense.

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:31 UTC

And I know this would be a small mistake, anybody could just click the wrong thing, but. You know. I've been going through a lot of things that make me feel like I'm gaslighting myself, and this is pretty close to breaking me. Then Jack sees them and goes, "Oh! You left room for the cats. Smart."

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:30 UTC

They arrive and they look short, and I put them up and they're drastically short, and I'm checking the order history because I'm so sure I measured, I went back and measured again, my memory is weird but I know that happened. And these are the curtains I ordered, after measuring.

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:28 UTC

I took initiative for measuring the windows and getting the curtains, because 1. it was for me and 2. I can't do a lot of things but that was easy. I measured carefully, I was sure of it. I even went back and measured again just to be double sure I was sure.

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:27 UTC

Like, recently we put curtains in windows that didn't have them before because my eyes are very sensitive to sunlight now and around the end of May, the sun started hitting an angle around dinner time was just perfect to hit me in a way that is painful and disorienting

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:25 UTC

But it's tricky to untangle those things and a lot of the time I'm left concluding it's healthier to not obsess over it, to just... clean up the messes and move forward

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:24 UTC

And it's tricky because it's clear to me I had a raft of irrational, compulsive behaviors that really leveled up in the period between the undiagnosed seizure and the stroke, but everything is not that thing, most things are not that thing.

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Alexandra Merideth Erin [she/her] - in my Brain Damage arc @alexandraerin.com [ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:20 UTC

I'll be like "What was I THINKING when I put this here? Was I trying to hide it? Did it have some meaning? Was I trapped in a delusion where this made sense someone?" and then I read someone who found their phone in the fridge because they set it down for a second and got distracted and, oh yeah.

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