Ali Garfinkel

@aligarchy.bsky.social

979 followers 112 following 123 posts

tv & video game writer, friend to birds

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 05, 2023 at 19:34 UTC

*hand touches hot stove* BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW *mouth eats hot food* BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON'T BE A QUITTER

0 replies 3 reposts 19 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 03:38 UTC

he laughed but then he was also like 'ok you should probably stop' lol

0 replies 0 reposts 11 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 03:32 UTC

saw my dad's name in the 1950s census when he was 1 year old and got emotional talking to him about it bc he was just a little guy! a tiny bean! there's my little dad! then i very excitedly said "my little baby daddy!!" and then i was like OH NO and tried to fix it but just ended up saying it again

2 replies 6 reposts 31 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 05:51 UTC

*indulging in one of life's few simple pleasures* science: guess what

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 05:15 UTC

that you can get diarrhea from eating too much watermelon is a helpful fact but only if you learn it before eating too much watermelon

1 replies 2 reposts 17 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 18, 2024 at 18:15 UTC

just went to put drops in my eye and i missed. i MISSED. how the fuck did i miss i'm literally looking RIGHT AT IT

1 replies 5 reposts 38 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 12, 2024 at 21:11 UTC

i will do nothing with that THANK U

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 12, 2024 at 03:38 UTC

if i tripped and fell and nobody said anything i would be absolutely fine but if i tripped and fell and somebody very kindly asked me if i was ok i would immediately burst into tears hope that makes sense

0 replies 1 reposts 29 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 09, 2024 at 18:56 UTC

it's like no one even dance battles for their honor anymore

0 replies 4 reposts 11 likes

Reposted by Ali Garfinkel

RiotGrlErin @riotgrlerin.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 04, 2024 at 22:53 UTC

as a matter of fact all of my systems are nervous.

1 replies 63 reposts 141 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] May 29, 2024 at 06:26 UTC

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] May 29, 2024 at 04:24 UTC

thank you Dave 🥳

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] May 29, 2024 at 02:47 UTC

thank you 🥰

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] May 29, 2024 at 02:42 UTC

outfit-wise i have definitely experienced a 'glow down' but otherwise pretty grateful for the privilege of turning 36 today

6 replies 0 reposts 23 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] May 11, 2024 at 17:13 UTC

wait til you see what they offer for skins

1 replies 0 reposts 5 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] May 06, 2024 at 00:51 UTC

*watching my date get murdered* eww stop screaming i'm getting the ick

1 replies 8 reposts 20 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Apr 22, 2024 at 19:26 UTC

a man on the street offered me $3 to watch him masturbate but then i heard him offer $5 to the next guy who walked by so YEAH still being denied equal pay

0 replies 9 reposts 70 likes

Reposted by Ali Garfinkel

Men's rea activist @internethippo.bsky.social
[ View ] Mar 16, 2024 at 02:36 UTC

Rent is so stupid, yeah I have a subscription to housing

50 replies 579 reposts 2779 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Apr 21, 2024 at 15:48 UTC

can't mute instagram reels anymore either. tapping on them just pauses the video

3 replies 0 reposts 7 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Apr 17, 2024 at 16:09 UTC

for sale: baby shoes. never worn. bought accidentally. european sizes, very confusing.

0 replies 7 reposts 33 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Apr 16, 2024 at 02:24 UTC

shouldn't have cheated at Jumanji kid

0 replies 5 reposts 31 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Apr 11, 2024 at 16:10 UTC

morning from the group chat

2 replies 4 reposts 24 likes

Reposted by Ali Garfinkel

sky @iamspacegirl.bsky.social
[ View ] Apr 01, 2024 at 21:09 UTC

Please watch out for me when you are mowing the grass this spring, I love to nest in shallow holes.

1 replies 18 reposts 86 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Mar 25, 2024 at 19:14 UTC

jon arbuckle sucks. he's the kind of guy who smokes a cigarette and pretends he got high. fuck you jon no wonder your cat is depressed

1 replies 3 reposts 21 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Mar 16, 2024 at 20:24 UTC

truly do not understand how people are still out there just asking women if they're pregnant. stop doing that. don't GUESS. what does that knowledge do for you anyway? 'you look a little fat around the midsection, care to explain yourself?' that's you. that's what you're asking.

5 replies 14 reposts 67 likes

Reposted by Ali Garfinkel

lanyardigan @lanyardigan.bsky.social
[ View ] Mar 07, 2024 at 02:14 UTC

On the bright side, we are living in a time of incredible stain-fighting technology

7 replies 112 reposts 485 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Mar 12, 2024 at 20:21 UTC

it's way quiet. i've also been told 'no one is buying comedies'. unfortunately there's no way to tell when this will change. my 4am theory is that we're being punished for 'winning' the strike 🙃

2 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Mar 08, 2024 at 19:20 UTC

two can keep a secret if one of them is dead and the other person is not my mother

1 replies 24 reposts 110 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Mar 02, 2024 at 06:50 UTC

in 4th century BC Aristotle claimed that earthquakes were caused by winds trapped in underground caves. like lol nice science, ARISTOTLE. u fuckint idiot!!!

5 replies 2 reposts 18 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 27, 2024 at 00:42 UTC

still yelling 'aaaanddd TWINNNNSSS' to my friends who are twins every time i see them. it is not annoying and they love it. in fact it gets funnier every time i do it

0 replies 2 reposts 23 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 21, 2024 at 02:44 UTC

how it feels to chew 5 Gum

0 replies 2 reposts 24 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 20, 2024 at 05:51 UTC

men will fart streaks into their underwear but then sit there and tell a woman she's got a big forehead

4 replies 2 reposts 25 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 16, 2024 at 02:28 UTC

this cantaloupe has bones in it. i asked for the boneless cantaloupe

1 replies 11 reposts 60 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 13, 2024 at 04:02 UTC

snitches get riches

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 13, 2024 at 03:57 UTC

the british are known for their stoicism but one time i told an englishman i microwaved a mug of water for tea and he threatened to kill himself

8 replies 9 reposts 65 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 12, 2024 at 01:48 UTC

wow, football. i mean what can one really say? no don't say any of it to me. anyway, later

0 replies 2 reposts 16 likes

Reposted by Ali Garfinkel

mave @mave.bsky.social
[ View ] Feb 11, 2024 at 15:49 UTC

(during lull in conversation) maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps

9 replies 121 reposts 592 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 28, 2024 at 02:10 UTC

thank you i DESERVE them

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 28, 2024 at 00:04 UTC

for me it's not about the calories, it's the sugar and carbohydrates. i'd rather eat them than drink them :)

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 27, 2024 at 05:45 UTC

me and my notes app are celebrating

0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 27, 2024 at 05:21 UTC

and i'm high so you can only imagine

3 replies 0 reposts 7 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 27, 2024 at 05:17 UTC

you want the fast food workers who don't give a fuck. my local jack in the box does not give a fuck. i ordered an 8 piece

4 replies 1 reposts 33 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 27, 2024 at 01:16 UTC

anyway my mom likes weed now

0 replies 0 reposts 12 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 25, 2024 at 15:22 UTC

Florence and The Machine Learning to Replace Her

0 replies 5 reposts 36 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 23, 2024 at 21:27 UTC

ive smoked weed since im 15 & my parents never loved that but also never punished me for it, bc while other kids would get high to do dumb shit, i would get high & like, rearrange the spice cabinet. or fold laundry. or be quiet. eventually they were just like "hmm what if our child is Good at Drugs"

5 replies 14 reposts 94 likes

Reposted by Ali Garfinkel

DVS @dvsblast.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 16, 2024 at 23:25 UTC

online used to be like "la la la" now its like "hmmmm"

0 replies 23 reposts 89 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 17, 2024 at 02:05 UTC

nostalgic for the sweet old days when a presidential candidate could ruin his entire political career simply by looking a lil dopey in a big helmet

35 replies 127 reposts 1227 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 15, 2024 at 22:49 UTC

the post-millennial mind simply cannot comprehend 'gonads and strife'

1 replies 0 reposts 6 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 14, 2024 at 15:57 UTC

this mad libs sucks

3 replies 2 reposts 42 likes

Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 06, 2024 at 13:55 UTC

nothing wrong with that! i'm not a performer at all. i just want to write it for other people

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes