New Jack Handey's avatar

New Jack Handey

@newjackhandy.bsky.social

10 followers 46 following 124 posts

God-tier reply guy. Super classy. Animal lover.

New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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I made the mistake of watching it on an overseas flight without knowing anything about it other than it was a 'classic'. Black and white, seemed pretty serious. I embarrassed every single person I was traveling with because I could not, for the life of me, suppress my laughter. It's a masterpiece.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Haha, yes, absolutely! Reluctantly beating the shit out of the drums or bad guys... but only as a last resort 😂

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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You could argue that B. A. Baracus was a schlub: he could care less how he dressed (throw on the same chains everyday), consistently apathetic and pessimistic... just a real sourpuss.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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The A-Team

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Savage 😂

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The Onion's avatar The Onion @theonion.com
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"In every hypothetical matchup, Trump comes out almost four points ahead of Biden’s potential replacements, including current favorite Biden, the rising star Biden, and even a dark horse candidate, like Biden."

9 replies 31 reposts 237 likes

New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Australia seems like a good place to hide from snowplows. Canada = nightmare fuel.

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kilgore trout's avatar kilgore trout @kilgoretrout.bsky.social
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“it took me four years to realize they have been making fun of me the entire time”

75 replies 381 reposts 2197 likes

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The Onion's avatar The Onion @theonion.com
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5 replies 33 reposts 377 likes

New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Im showing my fellow Americans this Canadian currency I picked up...

Everyone seems pissed by how shitty our money looks in comparison. #embarrassing

Solution: $1K bills feat Obama, in "Desert Storm Tan" instead of green.

Can't lose...

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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That second one is real nice. Always enjoy seeing these works.

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lanyardigan's avatar lanyardigan @lanyardigan.bsky.social
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The nice thing about a place like this is we give ourselves a type of shared brain damage, where we all know about the same weird things, and then we goof around together. It’s fun to have a text to riff on. People used to only have The Bible for that

4 replies 42 reposts 211 likes

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The Onion's avatar The Onion @theonion.com
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Breaking News:

75 replies 710 reposts 3026 likes

New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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This spring, I had one of my chickens, "Salsa" celebrate her 12th birthday, a huge milestone and I was oddly looking forward to the accomplishment of her passing of old age. It really upset me when a combination of her senility and my oversight led to a predator eating her brains out. Keep caring.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Post for the game not the fame. 😊

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Joseph Fink's avatar Joseph Fink @planetoffinks.bsky.social
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It turns out this whole time that the Turing Test was the wrong way to think of it. Thinking a chatbot is alive is not a test of how good the chatbot is, but of your own ability to think of other human beings as real and complete people

19 replies 251 reposts 1129 likes

New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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For my money, there's still no better boilerplate reply to: "Have a nice day".

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Hear me out guys: What if we made it 6 minute abs?

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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If Rashee Rice sends any more people to the hospital this spring, Tenant Health should offer him an endorsement deal.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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I spent about a minute trying to decide whether they phrased it intentionally or not... but ultimately decided it's terrible either way.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Yes. This is a thing that people love apparently. For example: I once replied to a Reddit post entitled, "Who, in your opinion, is the most overrated actor?'

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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The number of boomer couples' "divorce flashpoint" moments you can witness if you take morning walks past a local pickleball court is remarkable.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Well this one did, for one of my questions. Apparently these kids are getting their skulls cracked mainly for asking universities to reshuffle their stock portfolios.

www.nbcnews.com/business/bus...

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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You know, the news outlets never seem to outline why the protests are so disruptive, or why they require police intervention. Similarly, they never attempt to explain what "divest Israel" means. Is it a stock portfolio? I feel like the American public is always getting screwed over on the details.

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andy™'s avatar andy™ @andylevy.net
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please watch my new show “wet ones” where i interview someone as we’re both covered in increasingly moist towelettes

5 replies 8 reposts 89 likes

New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Rhetoric does not make a technology, but for what it's worth, I hope you're right.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Those fucking teens are at it again...

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Already moved by the season finale of Shogun.

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Return of the Cmonmacques's avatar Return of the Cmonmacques @cmonmaque.bsky.social
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No matter how much fun you’re having you’ll never be having as much fun as people in a 90’s Newport Ad.

12 replies 15 reposts 67 likes

New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Haters in the building yo! Holy shit this is Savage. I didn't think you had it in you. How are things with you man?

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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You mother fucker. This is the stupidest thing I've ever loved.

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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How does that work, does that mean you guys all decided to take her woman card away, like officially? No safe harbor at any brunch for the renegade Rowling?

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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And yet we somehow tragically limit their narrative to just that of "job creators" Maybe "depression managers" is more apropos?

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New Jack Handey's avatar New Jack Handey @newjackhandy.bsky.social
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Friend 1: "I've been kind of restless lately, maybe I need a new hobby." Friend 2: "I just picked up sucking and fucking. You should try it! There's a great local club."

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