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The Onion@theonion.com |
126662 followers 0 following 597 posts
America’s Finest News Source
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The Onion
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The largely silent ad, which will reportedly air in battleground states across the country, features a sequence of headshots depicting politicians, former Trump White House officials, journalists, and seemingly random average Americans with big red X’s over their faces.
8 replies 109 reposts 397 likes
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The Onion
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The Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal offers his thoughts on Robert Zemeckis' subtle yet powerful critique of Reaganomics in the 1980s.
1 replies 7 reposts 57 likes
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The Onion
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According to sources, Biden let out a yelp after the cord sparked, but refused to relinquish the object when Secret Service agents attempted to tug it from his mouth.
2 replies 22 reposts 185 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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Carlo Acutis, a devout 15-year-old who died of leukemia in 2006, has been officially recognized by Pope Francis as a saint, becoming the first of the millennial generation to be given the title. What do you think? www.theonion.com/pope-francis...
8 replies 41 reposts 292 likes
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The Onion
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"During the Elizabethan era, for example, people were rarely asked to prove they were not a robot."
7 replies 73 reposts 402 likes
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The Onion
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"Whether it be bribery, fraud, assassination, or a coup, the president is entitled to immunity for all offenses committed during working hours Monday through Friday."
12 replies 124 reposts 594 likes
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The Onion
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"In every hypothetical matchup, Trump comes out almost four points ahead of Biden’s potential replacements, including current favorite Biden, the rising star Biden, and even a dark horse candidate, like Biden."
9 replies 30 reposts 221 likes
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The Onion
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"During the Elizabethan era, for example, people were rarely asked to prove they were not a robot."
4 replies 21 reposts 241 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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"It was admittedly risky to clear the president’s schedule and practice, but it was worth it to ensure he could successfully field a number of extremely difficult, sensitive questions from his wife, son, and grandchildren."
0 replies 8 reposts 105 likes
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The Onion
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"Oh, shit, that was my job?"
4 replies 33 reposts 276 likes
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The Onion
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The state of Vermont agreed to pay $175,000 in damages to a man who was pulled over for giving an officer the middle finger and arrested for disorderly conduct. What do you think? www.theonion.com/vermont-sett...
2 replies 45 reposts 454 likes
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The Onion
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1 replies 16 reposts 244 likes
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The Onion
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14 replies 100 reposts 858 likes
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The Onion
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"Taylor Swift’s reliance on gas-guzzling private jets continued today when she burned over 200 gallons of fuel traveling to a nearby Burberry."
4 replies 39 reposts 375 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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Defending her 81-year-old husband in the wake of his highly criticized debate performance, first lady Jill Biden reportedly assured an audience of Democratic donors Monday that she “hit[s] that on the daily,” referring to President Joe Biden.
9 replies 22 reposts 286 likes
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The Onion
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"This guy is out to lunch, and he won’t do anything to stop you from making your wildest, most fucked-up dreams a reality."
4 replies 16 reposts 162 likes
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The Onion
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The landmark reversal nullifies all previously lawful forms of right and makes it very difficult for Americans to make ethical decisions or be generally decent human beings without facing criminal charges.
5 replies 389 reposts 1087 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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"While there’s a strong historical precedent for a lavish excursion to Bali, the plaintiff has instead taken a more unorthodox approach and presented an all-expenses-paid diving trip off the shores of Aruba."
6 replies 327 reposts 1299 likes
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The Onion
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"Our research suggests there’s a strong correlation between scurrying up onto a 50-foot-wide human palm and being spirited away to an incredible realm ruled by behemoths."
0 replies 53 reposts 291 likes
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The Onion
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Former Jackass star Bam Margara agreed to six months of probation after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct in an assault against his brother Jess Margara. What do you think? www.theonion.com/bam-margera-...
2 replies 11 reposts 145 likes
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The Onion
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"Contrary to the abhorrent rumors circulating about our company, Maybelline does not test our waterproof eye makeup on live Italian widows."
6 replies 32 reposts 332 likes
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The Onion
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"I keep meaning to get around to it, but the month is almost over and I still haven’t screamed, ‘You’re a groomer!’ at the cashiers in this place."
6 replies 99 reposts 661 likes
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The Onion
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"Our post-debate polling indicates that one of the only way the president can recover from yesterday’s catastrophic evening is by gathering likely voters next to the train tracks and using the sheer power of his jaw and neck muscles to pull a 4,000-ton train."
5 replies 39 reposts 273 likes
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The Onion
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According to sources, White House aides and advisors were seen averting their gaze as they wordlessly walked straight to their desks and stared at the black screens of their computers, unwilling to log on.
6 replies 30 reposts 226 likes
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The Onion
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Trump: “We have a system that is rigged and disgusting.” TRUE: You’re seeing it on full display.
6 replies 50 reposts 351 likes
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The Onion
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"I’d barely made it out of the parking lot before I passed six different signs describing the same kind of reed, and each one was more detailed than the last."
14 replies 31 reposts 369 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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Tesla has recalled its Cybertruck for the fourth time due to an error with the windshield wiper controller getting too much electrical current. What do you think? www.theonion.com/tesla-s-cybe...
5 replies 30 reposts 289 likes
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The Onion
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Cover yourself in your fear of everything. Order The Onion's new shirt today: store.theonion.com/collections/...
2 replies 30 reposts 175 likes
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The Onion
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Our Front Page:
24 replies 389 reposts 1535 likes
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The Onion
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DNC Rush To Fit Kamala Harris With Presidential Veneers
2 replies 21 reposts 298 likes
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The Onion
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3 replies 42 reposts 303 likes
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The Onion
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Nation Can Tell Exactly When In Sentence Biden Emptying Into Catheter
11 replies 21 reposts 252 likes
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The Onion
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Biden: ‘Please, I Beg Of You, Free Me From My Flesh Prison’
2 replies 35 reposts 251 likes
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The Onion
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Dana Bash Reminds Biden He Has 40 Seconds Of Life Remaining
3 replies 35 reposts 275 likes
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The Onion
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Nation Wonders If 'Twisters' Will Be Any Good
15 replies 45 reposts 520 likes
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The Onion
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Jill Biden: 'That's Not The Man I Buried'
2 replies 49 reposts 355 likes
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The Onion
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Breaking: Kamala Harris Warming Up In Debate Bullpen
10 replies 72 reposts 712 likes
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The Onion
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Report: Uh Oh, They’re About To Talk About Black People
9 replies 121 reposts 834 likes
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The Onion
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FACT: Jill Biden took an Uber home 20 minutes ago.
4 replies 22 reposts 257 likes
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The Onion
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Biden Advisors Think Strategy To Do Zero Prep And Keep Biden Awake For Past 72 Hours Working Great
7 replies 89 reposts 512 likes
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The Onion
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Defensive Trump Claims He's Still Virgin
2 replies 53 reposts 334 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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FACT CHECK Trump to Biden: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” FALSE: Mental health experts agree that shame is a counterproductive emotion.
2 replies 35 reposts 251 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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1 replies 30 reposts 260 likes
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The Onion
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Trump on Jan. 6: 'We're Gonna Do That Shit Again'
4 replies 84 reposts 376 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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FACT CHECK Trump: “Biden is a very bad Palestinian.” TRUE: Biden is far too alive to be a Palestinian.
36 replies 362 reposts 1432 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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Report: Nuclear War Sounds Fucking Amazing Right Now
14 replies 224 reposts 877 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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Biden: 'In The First Trimester Of Israel, It's Between The Doctor And Scranton'
5 replies 33 reposts 267 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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FACT CHECK Biden: "Putin is a war criminal." UNCLEAR: The Onion's fact checking algorithm had been overrun by Russian propaganda.
2 replies 27 reposts 285 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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Biden Using Pen And Paper On Lectern To Draw Jessica Rabbit Fan Art
4 replies 19 reposts 192 likes
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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FACT CHECK: Trump: "They're killing our citizens at rate we've never seen before" FALSE: We do pretty well ourselves, thank you very much.
0 replies 59 reposts 323 likes