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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room.
0 replies 2 reposts 3 likes
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Goddamnit Dave@daveastated.bsky.social |
161 followers 135 following 31 posts
Now I am become Dave, the destroyer of words.
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room.
0 replies 2 reposts 3 likes
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Simon Pegg
@simonpegg.bsky.social
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Who called a JAWS rip off set in France 'Under Paris', and not 'Shark de Triomphe'?
136 replies 966 reposts 4406 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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It's not you, it's me. - Twins looking through old photographs.
0 replies 14 reposts 32 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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Them: Where did you learn how to keep your skin firm? Me: I'm self-taut
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
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Hamp
@originalcatdad.bsky.social
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What’s up yall
1 replies 3 reposts 4 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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Harry Potter became an oil magnate during a Baron spell.
0 replies 1 reposts 1 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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A place to make your own sex doll. Call it "build-her-bare workshop."
0 replies 2 reposts 11 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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I've been listening to "hold music" for over an hour. Now I need a hug.
0 replies 2 reposts 5 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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I met my soulmate at the tetanus clinic. I knew the moment our jaws locked from across the room.
0 replies 4 reposts 10 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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Pulled out the plug and stayed in the bath until all the water had gone. Now i feel really drained.
0 replies 2 reposts 9 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
1 replies 6 reposts 13 likes
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Jin
@jinah.bsky.social
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I bet being Loki-smashed into the ground repeatedly by The Hulk would actually feel pretty good
14 replies 43 reposts 105 likes
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Heatherhere
@heatinblack.bsky.social
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Nothing like jumping from one social media site to another to make you aware of how unfunny you are
6 replies 26 reposts 60 likes
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Heatherhere
@heatinblack.bsky.social
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A group of hippopotamuses is called a bloat. I think I’ve found my people
2 replies 36 reposts 78 likes
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Heatherhere
@heatinblack.bsky.social
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Snapping Snapping fingers with fingers with my left hand my right hand
0 replies 5 reposts 23 likes
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Ennui Doofen
@ennuidoofen.bsky.social
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Sorry I said I must have Covid when I tasted your mom's cooking
4 replies 72 reposts 179 likes
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her again
@cmf111.bsky.social
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abyssed connection: we were screaming into the same void.
3 replies 40 reposts 70 likes
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regular david
@ordinaryalso.bsky.social
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cop: *tapping on window and making a circular gesture* me: *loudly* no sorry i don’t have any donuts
1 replies 62 reposts 199 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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Nommified Remains
2 replies 6 reposts 25 likes
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Trash Buffet
@trashbuffet.bsky.social
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As a tall person, just one time at the grocery store I would love a short person to help me grab something from the bottom shelf.
3 replies 31 reposts 74 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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I refuse to follow best practices when it comes to trying to sleep, not gonna lie.
0 replies 2 reposts 4 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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Superman celebrates passover by taking a boat trip to the place NASA launches its shuttles from. The Cape cruise Seder? No that's Batman
0 replies 2 reposts 5 likes
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flappy 🐥
@funflaps.bsky.social
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ㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤThe Great Fire ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤof London Luna Lovegoodㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤlooking for ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤsomewhere ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ to start ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ🤝 ㅤㅤㅤㅤ I hope there's pudding
1 replies 3 reposts 8 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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I've been eating nothing but cake with vertical lines. Yet it doesn't seem to be slimming at all.
0 replies 5 reposts 9 likes
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Stone Cold Jane Austen
@abbyhiggs.bsky.social
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some alligators can grow up to 15 feet but most only have 4
1 replies 19 reposts 59 likes
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bridget epitropakis
@bepitropakis.bsky.social
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getting my nails done just to pay someone to hold my hand
5 replies 30 reposts 104 likes
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Kip Conlon
@kipconlon.bsky.social
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Got kicked out of Bible Camp for coveting the top bunk.
0 replies 14 reposts 26 likes
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Trey
@treydayway.bsky.social
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I would absolutely love for someone to bake me a cake as fast as they can
6 replies 82 reposts 197 likes
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𝚐 𝚘 𝚕 𝚍 𝚒 𝚖 𝚘 𝚌 𝚔 𝚜
@goldimocks.bsky.social
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I’d be such a lame ghost, like oOoOo nOoOo here’s a blanket so your tootsies don’t get cold
3 replies 46 reposts 113 likes
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Pyjamie Party
@pyjamieparty.bsky.social
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: "I can't believe this deception! What a con! ... WAAAIT A MINUTE!"
0 replies 4 reposts 4 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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I never know which lottery to play. It's a bit of a gamble
0 replies 2 reposts 3 likes
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Heatherhere
@heatinblack.bsky.social
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Me: why do my muscles hurt? Morpheus my personal trainer: because you’ve never used them before
1 replies 42 reposts 79 likes
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mean things I say to myself
@meantomyself.bsky.social
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I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn't return the shopping cart pork
12 replies 107 reposts 326 likes
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Ennui Doofen
@ennuidoofen.bsky.social
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Today the mailman overheard me yelling "You have balls- go play with your balls!" to my dog as he rounded a corner out of sight, leaving only the mailman and I staring at each other
3 replies 59 reposts 149 likes
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Jin
@jinah.bsky.social
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Venison is the opposite of bison
3 replies 15 reposts 38 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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People are saying that I neglect my kids. I'd like to put those awful rumours to bed, but their mum won't let me until I stop calling them that.
0 replies 4 reposts 5 likes
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Goddamnit Dave
@daveastated.bsky.social
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Me: are you thinking what I'm thinking? My brain: I hate you
0 replies 13 reposts 19 likes
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Heatherhere
@heatinblack.bsky.social
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Doug is just Canadian for dog
6 replies 61 reposts 140 likes
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Tommytoughstuff
@tommytoughstuff.bsky.social
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SKETCH ARTIST: Are you sure this is who robbed you? ME: (looking at a drawing of Garfield as a cowboy) Do I get to keep this?
0 replies 30 reposts 108 likes
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PieGuy
@ilovepie84.bsky.social
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Do you believe in life after love? -Me as a Cher-apist
1 replies 17 reposts 38 likes