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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
0 replies 4 reposts 11 likes
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Midge@midge.bsky.social |
834 followers 382 following 251 posts
Relentless architect of my own hell
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
0 replies 4 reposts 11 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
2 replies 5 reposts 18 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Me, doing something I know how to do, but somebody decides to watch
0 replies 28 reposts 110 likes
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Stone Cold Jane Austen
@abbyhiggs.bsky.social
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Me: I have an extreme fear of 90s music Therapist: How bizarre
22 replies 140 reposts 644 likes
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Comfortably Numb
@numb.comfortab.ly
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"I am a Trekkie because Star Trek isn't woke" Star Trek:
34 replies 625 reposts 2496 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Secular responses to a sneeze: “Ew that’s gross” “What the hell?” “Get your life together”
0 replies 4 reposts 18 likes
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Jeremy Jenkins
@jeremyjenkins.jdjenkins.co.uk
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It gives me anxiety to realize that there are as many years between 1980 and 2024 as there are between 1980 and 1936.
15 replies 16 reposts 121 likes
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Crockett Houghton
@crockettforreal.bsky.social
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Writers can create worlds and breathe life into people that have never and will never exist. What we can't do, not with any real vigor or enthusiasm is... chores. We hate chores with a passion that can only be described as undying.
8 replies 47 reposts 202 likes
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Princess of Whales
@princessofwhales2.bsky.social
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I don’t need a cream that helps with fine lines and wrinkles I need a cream that slaps my skin so hard I wake up twenty years ago
3 replies 41 reposts 117 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Mess with your old man on Father’s Day by asking him what his favorite Steely Dave song is
4 replies 2 reposts 20 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high and then she looked at me all surprised
0 replies 10 reposts 34 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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how would I know if my memory is getting worse maybe I forgot
3 replies 15 reposts 54 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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me: *gets something in my eye* brain: put your finger in there too
6 replies 122 reposts 517 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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People over 40 watching birds at the bird feeder
1 replies 4 reposts 24 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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The only way for me to be somewhere at 6 am is by sleeping there
1 replies 20 reposts 61 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Just thinking if I’d been a teen mom my kids would have moved out by now
1 replies 2 reposts 19 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Every Gen Xer has a childhood war story about getting stabbed with a pencil and the tip broke off
5 replies 6 reposts 26 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
0 replies 1 reposts 11 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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“I'm worth it" I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks
0 replies 5 reposts 8 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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I’m beginning to think the most useful essential oil is chloroform
1 replies 19 reposts 44 likes
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Mat™️
@futurekid.bsky.social
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You have to break a serious sweat to be an undecided voter in 2024
0 replies 10 reposts 20 likes
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Nate's Myth
@natesmith.dev
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I'm like a Mac and Cheese box (you discard me too quickly, and come running back later for answers to your questions)
1 replies 15 reposts 43 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
1 replies 20 reposts 61 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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me: I need a new shirt stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
0 replies 2 reposts 10 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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mom! It's spirit week and each day we dress in a diff- me: You can do pajama day
0 replies 2 reposts 11 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Used chicken broth instead of water to make rice and my child refused to eat it bc it’s “too different”
1 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
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BODE BURNOUT
@bodeburnout.bsky.social
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I know you have grown fondly of me but my heart lies with crows and ravens 🐦⬛
4 replies 9 reposts 64 likes
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Ennui Doofen
@ennuidoofen.bsky.social
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responding to all questions with my order for the food I wish I were eating in the hopes that people will either stop talking to or feed me
4 replies 61 reposts 149 likes
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FEISTY😈
@crzyfkinworld.bsky.social
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Eric Swalwell and Hunter Biden's exchange during Hunter Biden’s hearing yesterday is FIRE.
56 replies 686 reposts 2281 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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me: gets something in eye brain: stick your finger in there too
3 replies 34 reposts 91 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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my sister: snowboards my brother: skateboards me: charcuterie boards
3 replies 15 reposts 51 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Dog snoring: adorable Husband snoring: unacceptable
0 replies 8 reposts 20 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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The time between “I’m not awake yet” and “I’m so tired” keeps getting shorter
0 replies 28 reposts 57 likes
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Uncle Duke
@uncleduke1969.bsky.social
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“Tracksuit guy in sportswear. You?” “The tuxedo dude from formal wear.”
1 replies 24 reposts 85 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
1 replies 11 reposts 48 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
3 replies 33 reposts 113 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Mom, can you help me with fractions? Me: *thinking about buying weed in quarters and eighths* Sure, I know a little
0 replies 11 reposts 38 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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me: turns on vacuum my dog: this is my Vietnam
1 replies 20 reposts 89 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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What in the hell is “disposable income”?
1 replies 6 reposts 21 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Asking “what’s the scuttlebutt” is a nifty way to let people know you're super-hip
0 replies 3 reposts 10 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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“Welcome to the machine,” I whisper as I toss my Pink Floyd t-shirt into the washer
5 replies 14 reposts 53 likes
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born miserable
@bornmiserable.bsky.social
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BREAKING: Donald Trump Uses the Smiths' Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want as Part of His Pre-Show 2024 Campaign Music Because Things Aren't Fucking Stupid Enough
0 replies 5 reposts 26 likes
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toby1kenobi
@toby1kenobi.bsky.social
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Can confirm
0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Swing states aren’t as exciting as they sound
2 replies 29 reposts 88 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Toby is short for Toblerone
1 replies 9 reposts 27 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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That rug really ties the woods together, man
1 replies 11 reposts 54 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Told my kid that his sweater was on backwards. He leaned in close and whispered, “I. Don’t. Care.”
3 replies 1 reposts 15 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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Oh I see how it is
1 replies 9 reposts 48 likes
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Midge
@midge.bsky.social
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If I had a pet zebra I’d name him Michael Stripe
0 replies 3 reposts 23 likes