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Boog

@boogtweets.bsky.social

508 followers 115 following 89 posts

Scream Jars™️

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

0 replies 14 reposts 60 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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There is no greater betrayal than when you ask Siri to find a Starbucks and you arrive to find out it’s inside a store.

2 replies 4 reposts 19 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

0 replies 14 reposts 60 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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[taking a urine test] Me: well? Doctor: impressive, but it’s not for distance.

0 replies 7 reposts 25 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Her: what was your favorite boy band of all time? Me: I don’t like boy bands Her: You liked The Bee Gees Me: lmao, They weren’t a… Her: Me: Her: Me: OH MY GOD

0 replies 7 reposts 51 likes

Reposted by Boog

nattie winters's avatar nattie winters @utilitylimb.bsky.social
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in the 90s, if your art was just a single media your ass would get laughed off the cd-rom

2 replies 40 reposts 256 likes

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dan mentos's avatar dan mentos @danmentos.com
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BREAKING: SCOTUS has ruled that I’m cool and nice and good at sex, overturning a decision made by my ex-wife Linda in 2004

2 replies 14 reposts 115 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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The nice thing about the debate is that it’s over now.

0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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I’m more of a finisher pack kinda frog.

0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Cop: *behind a two way mirror* do any of these wolves look familiar Little Red Riding Hood: *slams her fist on the table* those arent wolves they are my grandma

2 replies 17 reposts 71 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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<—has never reached the level of “flabbergasted”

0 replies 1 reposts 12 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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*snaps out of a deep sleep* Is Cookie Monster his species or his name!?

4 replies 5 reposts 28 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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[Poker night] Mom: I’m in Me: I call Step dad: I’ll raise you Me: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD TODD

0 replies 4 reposts 20 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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There should be more Mac options besides just big, Fleetwood, or & cheese

9 replies 11 reposts 42 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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*cutting the end off of an old slice of pizza with scissors* sure hope I don’t get mistaken for a loose cannon cop that doesn’t play by the rules…

1 replies 2 reposts 8 likes

Reposted by Boog

Normal Pru's avatar Normal Pru @prufrockluvsong.bsky.social
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every night I sleep like a baby, screaming every few hours and just absolutely terrified of a world I don't understand

7 replies 182 reposts 637 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

0 replies 4 reposts 19 likes

Reposted by Boog

MF FairyPrincessSmoo's avatar MF FairyPrincessSmoo @smooheed.bsky.social
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If you sneeze and hiccup at the same time, your body takes a screenshot

16 replies 265 reposts 965 likes

Reposted by Boog

Reposted by Boog

John's avatar John @notheotherjohn.bsky.social
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Imo the biggest news story of the day was when my two year old niece went outside and said “look at all those fucking bees!”

7 replies 65 reposts 547 likes

Reposted by Boog

Little Greenis's avatar Little Greenis @durtmchurtt.bsky.social
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Whatever, I’ve had lazier Susans.

0 replies 3 reposts 12 likes

Reposted by Boog

Frovo's avatar Frovo @frovo.bsky.social
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ME: i wish you were here GENIE: granted ME: thank here

1 replies 3 reposts 25 likes

Reposted by Boog

Viktor Winetrout's avatar Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick

23 replies 76 reposts 603 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Doctor: you have erectile dysfunction Patient: what do you mean? Doctor: sorry, no hard feelings.

0 replies 5 reposts 15 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Every time I see lobster tails in the store I laugh picturing how dumb they must look crawling around the ocean like a bunch of no butt havin sea bugs.

1 replies 2 reposts 9 likes

Reposted by Boog

Nate's avatar Nate @thenatewolf.bsky.social
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Me: they should never have made you shave, you beautiful, logical stallion. Her: wake up, you're dreaming about bearded Spock again. Me: [very defensive] NO I WASN'T

1 replies 51 reposts 300 likes

Reposted by Boog

Travis, bluesky elder 's avatar Travis, bluesky elder @prof-hinkley.bsky.social
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Doctor: *making disappointed noises as she records my weight* Me: a lot of that's just microplastics though

5 replies 93 reposts 520 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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You think doing nothing is killing time but in actuality it is time that is killing you.

4 replies 4 reposts 13 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Wife: what is it? Me: Spray on bed liner Wife: why would you do this Me: you’ll never have to wash the sheets again

0 replies 7 reposts 16 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem A sentient record: I’m allergic to needles Doctor: what kind of reaction do you have A sentient record: I start scurrr-ah-scurr-ah wikka wikka- scratching

0 replies 3 reposts 4 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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*i get a second pringles can stuck on my other arm as scientists take notes from behind a two way mirror*

0 replies 35 reposts 126 likes

Reposted by Boog

Frovo's avatar Frovo @frovo.bsky.social
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VETERINARIAN: i have good news and bad news SCHRÖDINGER: oh hell yeah

3 replies 213 reposts 966 likes

Reposted by Boog

donni saphire 's avatar donni saphire @donni.bsky.social
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I hate to get drawn into one last heist, only to have complications ensue

12 replies 85 reposts 538 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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What kind of shady shit did the Gordon’s fisherman do that they needed an entire ad campaign to convince us to trust’em?

0 replies 5 reposts 21 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Her: you seem stressed Me: *still wondering why the pool tables had no pockets in Michael Jackson’s beat it video* haha just typical holiday stuff

0 replies 2 reposts 15 likes

Boog's avatar Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
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Gingerbread man: my house is made of what!?

0 replies 5 reposts 23 likes