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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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If I was a toddler I would commit serious crimes. There is no jail that takes them. Huge loophole
3 replies 3 reposts 27 likes
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donni saphire@donni.bsky.social |
3015 followers 538 following 852 posts
Friendly Chicago comedian, writer, gum chewer. Proudly hatless. Calm but not relaxed. Thinking about some new shirts
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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If I was a toddler I would commit serious crimes. There is no jail that takes them. Huge loophole
3 replies 3 reposts 27 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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A banana is just a tube of savory goo wrapped in a dying jacket
1 replies 11 reposts 48 likes
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Ygrene ✔️
@ygrene.bsky.social
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there should be a law that dentists have to disclose if they are that one dentist that disagrees with nine other dentists
3 replies 33 reposts 180 likes
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Ahhhhh
@nerdjpg.com
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It’s always so hot on July 4 they should move it
8 replies 4 reposts 59 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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If sleep deprivation and bad choices got me into this mess, sleep deprivation and bad choices are the only way out
3 replies 57 reposts 217 likes
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Catbus
@catbus.bsky.social
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enjoying mysekf at a BBQ when Supreme Court justice Brett Kavanaugh rolls up in a monster truck with an airbrushed mural of Jesus on the cross flanked by the founding fathers brandishing AR-15s, flying an flag with crying eagles perched on the burning Twin Towers & starts doing donuts on the grass
13 replies 16 reposts 119 likes
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lanyardigan
@lanyardigan.bsky.social
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(dogs out on a walk) may I interest you in a piece of Secret Cheese
0 replies 4 reposts 48 likes
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Crockett Houghton
@crockettforreal.bsky.social
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Someone somewhere nearby has started letting off fireworks for my birthday. There’s literally no other reason why they would be doing that today. It’s so thoughtful.
6 replies 11 reposts 57 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Nothing beats children’s music when you need a real banger about going to the zoo
2 replies 7 reposts 30 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Might figure everything out today. In an hour or two. No rush
0 replies 1 reposts 15 likes
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🅿️rofessor Kiosk 💊
@professorkiosk.bsky.social
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The world is full of terrible people, but at least it's also trying to kill us
2 replies 34 reposts 90 likes
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Royotathon🚘
@royotathon.bsky.social
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you expect ME to pay bills? me. a former baby. you sound insane right now.
9 replies 124 reposts 516 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Thanks! All I can do is speak nonsense into the void lol
2 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Chickens rarely cross roads, they are cautious little dudes
4 replies 9 reposts 32 likes
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drewtoothpaste
@drewtoothpaste.bsky.social
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all food sold commercially should have a big lump of chocolate in the bottom like Drumsticks
12 replies 23 reposts 202 likes
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Mir
@miriam.lol
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Depression cure :
10 replies 42 reposts 225 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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If I lived in a yellow submarine with all my friends, I would keep that info to myself
5 replies 27 reposts 135 likes
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Joseph Fink
@planetoffinks.bsky.social
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there is nothing I could possibly care about less than a powerful dissent. oh good job you wrote an essay, I'm sure that will help
9 replies 31 reposts 319 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Nude in a vat of warm cheddar cheese, finally content
5 replies 18 reposts 53 likes
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little lamb
@puddleofbrain.bsky.social
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It seems today that all you see is parables and allegories in keeping with our traditions of oral history
1 replies 7 reposts 27 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Live your best life. Cut your enemy’s hair. Invent new crimes. Wear a stranger’s hat
3 replies 21 reposts 64 likes
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𝚗𝚘𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛
@nocontroller.bsky.social
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What if they made an app that was just so freaking cool
6 replies 4 reposts 33 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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*waves to a cat in a window* See, Mom, I told you I have friends in my neighborhood
0 replies 3 reposts 26 likes
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Ygrene ✔️
@ygrene.bsky.social
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[me while driving in my car right now] why are all these other people driving in their cars right now
4 replies 20 reposts 80 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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I don’t care about the bad thing everyone is mad about because I am mad about personal bad things as usual
1 replies 7 reposts 39 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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I hate that ants leave me no choice but to murder
1 replies 8 reposts 58 likes
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Jake_Vig
@jakevig.bsky.social
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Just to clear this up once and for all, Annie was NOT ok. She was struck by a smooth criminal. It probably took years of therapy to recover.
2 replies 25 reposts 90 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Banks need to get over their weird obsession with money
1 replies 19 reposts 74 likes
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georgia-lux
@georgialux.bsky.social
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he'll be doing a different kind of hurkey-jerky dancing... in prison
1 replies 2 reposts 20 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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*slips on a banana peel and falls into outer space* Dammit, not again
1 replies 4 reposts 15 likes
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little lamb
@puddleofbrain.bsky.social
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If this is an emergency hang up and think about how small and insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things
0 replies 18 reposts 56 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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If a tree falls in a forest, who cares? If a tree flies through the forest, hell-bent on vengeance...well, that's different
4 replies 48 reposts 165 likes
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puck
@pucksarcana.bsky.social
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if your water bottle doesn’t smell at least a little weird you’re not getting your nutrients
1 replies 8 reposts 83 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Last thing I remember, the elephant takes a swing at me. Next thing I know, I'm back in divorce court
0 replies 3 reposts 15 likes
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Roxi Horror 💀🌸
@roxiqt.com
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Unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is build tiny musical instruments for rats so that they can feel fancy
12 replies 80 reposts 453 likes
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Crockett Houghton
@crockettforreal.bsky.social
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I'm not gonna lie, I would have to say that by far my least favorite type of cake is urinal.
9 replies 18 reposts 91 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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I will not rest until I get even slightly tired or lazy or find a comfortable spot
0 replies 3 reposts 25 likes
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Brosephine Wires
@joparkerbear.bsky.social
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Do you know how many after-school movies from the 90s are on Tubi? All of them. It’s like No One Would Tell the Cheerleader Murderer about the Lying Eyes of the Babysitter’s Seduction Down the Street central and I am stuck send help
4 replies 24 reposts 87 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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My astrological sign is the good one that everybody likes
3 replies 20 reposts 86 likes
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merritt k
@merrittk.com
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hotels should give you something if you leave in advance of your checkout time. doesn't even have to be part of your money back. maybe just a little treat or something
7 replies 5 reposts 129 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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I don’t need to learn the ropes. I know all about them. They are thick strings
5 replies 38 reposts 141 likes
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ceej
@ceej.online
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they’re putting something in the water that makes backs weaker and tummies more upset. I never had these problems, ten, twenty years ago
10 replies 77 reposts 429 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Told my baby she is a silly banana, and she nodded sternly in agreement
1 replies 10 reposts 60 likes
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Joseph Fink
@planetoffinks.bsky.social
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some days things are going ok and then you find that your daughter has shit just about on every surface in her room, and now that's your day
1 replies 1 reposts 38 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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Nice dance moves should boost your credit score
2 replies 21 reposts 67 likes
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fredesque
@fredtaming.bsky.social
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at my high school reunion: ok ok but do you remember the time we- the elephant we graduated with: yes, i assure you, yes
2 replies 6 reposts 35 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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I just want what someone much better than me deserves
0 replies 16 reposts 55 likes
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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚝𝚑
@unfitz.bsky.social
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At first glance, she struck me as someone who would strike me.
4 replies 47 reposts 149 likes
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donni saphire
@donni.bsky.social
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It’s time for me to bite the bullet and admit that bullets taste delicious
5 replies 22 reposts 182 likes
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d.ly
@dly.bsky.social
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avoid making new friends by sticking your hand out for strangers to smell when they approach you at parties
5 replies 37 reposts 129 likes