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jordan🌈🍉@nursemurderer.bsky.social |
194 followers 112 following 369 posts
fat & pretty & queer
storyteller with opinions
so far left it hurts
she/her/they
👩🏻💻👩🏻⚕️
my stuff: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:z6zgfjzqdhrwwp7btpy5jwzu/feed/aaaf4giwbsd24
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katie
@ctzndckbg.bsky.social
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asmr but it’s me dropping everything in the kitchen and tripping over the cat while trying to put away the dishes at 5:23 AM while my husband is asleep because I’m bored
0 replies 1 reposts 5 likes
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nige
@sensualdad.bsky.social
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it’s only a slumber party if i’m there.
0 replies 5 reposts 5 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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😎
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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it tracks tbh
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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LOVE DEAD DAD JOKES
1 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Jimmer Cork-Bottle
@jimmerthatisall.bsky.social
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Where's this memory loss they promised me?
3 replies 42 reposts 73 likes
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Hi, it’s Abby. Yep.
@abbycohenwl.bsky.social
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The Supreme Court has ruled that justice is illegal
0 replies 20 reposts 58 likes
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Hi, it’s Abby. Yep.
@abbycohenwl.bsky.social
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Grimm Bro: I'm imagining a wolf stalking & eating a girl — Grimm Bro2: Write that down to read to children
1 replies 66 reposts 285 likes
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d.ly
@dly.bsky.social
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HOW IT STARTED: [me, crying] HOW IT’S GOING: [me, crying and sweating]
8 replies 96 reposts 394 likes
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nige
@sensualdad.bsky.social
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i have a fireworks technician on standby when making love so my neighbours know when i’ve reached the point of climax
1 replies 6 reposts 14 likes
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nige
@sensualdad.bsky.social
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it’s only a beauty salon if i’m in it
0 replies 7 reposts 17 likes
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Frovo
@frovo.bsky.social
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me: if jean shorts are called jorts then jean pants should be called jants kid working at the gap: um ok how do the jants fit
2 replies 41 reposts 171 likes
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Sweetie π
@sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social
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I base their tip on how gently the waitstaff wakes me when the food arrives
3 replies 39 reposts 80 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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haha but I asked why are they hiding their proud white boy faces and SO I was confused
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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not me filling out a dating profile and realizing I should just be filling out an intake form for an old folks home. fav activities or hobbies? sleeping. watching my programs. fav types of food? soup. the one thing you’re looking for? someone to help me get in and out of the bed/shower.
0 replies 3 reposts 15 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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what lol
1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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why are the videos of the nazis marching downtown nashville being taken down? like who is trying to hide it?
1 replies 2 reposts 3 likes
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Ennui Doofen
@ennuidoofen.bsky.social
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The most exciting part of injury and illness is the mystery in whether it will kill you or not if you do nothing to fix it
9 replies 78 reposts 201 likes
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chris.
@azedand2knots.bsky.social
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New setting just dropped: nobody can reply except for your mom.
4 replies 45 reposts 94 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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someone on tiktok: chappell roan audio only has like 6400 uses me: [using chappell roan sound for 6399th time] what
0 replies 1 reposts 2 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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in funny news I made a real mean lady that everyone hates laugh today so I feel like I won some award! someone in the meeting asked if anyone was doing anything for father’s day and I said well my dads dead so no we didn't have plans and she laughed so hard💀
1 replies 1 reposts 6 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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hello 911? yes hi there are maggots in the litter robot
0 replies 1 reposts 2 likes
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garbage cock.
@lscrapl.bsky.social
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no, this is MY pool ham, you get your own
1 replies 19 reposts 48 likes
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Hi, it’s Abby. Yep.
@abbycohenwl.bsky.social
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Are any of the food brands in here yet I feel lonely
2 replies 15 reposts 63 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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*takes off sunglasses* [has no eyes] and that’s showbiz
0 replies 15 reposts 39 likes
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nige
@sensualdad.bsky.social
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hey i’m guy fieri and this is Dicks, Ding-Dongs and Dildos
1 replies 9 reposts 22 likes
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Wolfe Van Mural
@guytheguy.bsky.social
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Gene Wilderness
0 replies 2 reposts 5 likes
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Ray
@sireviscerate.bsky.social
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*shakes fist in impotent rage* *takes a shower in impotent rage* *does a crossword puzzle in impotent rage* *drinks sleepytime tea in impotent rage*
1 replies 21 reposts 88 likes
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Viktor Winetrout
@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
37 replies 117 reposts 979 likes
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nige
@sensualdad.bsky.social
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hate it when i get a wedgie at the beach and accidentally win a bikini contest
0 replies 5 reposts 15 likes
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Wolfe Van Mural
@guytheguy.bsky.social
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It’s 2024 in America. Why don’t we have missile turrets installed standard on every domestic vehicle?
0 replies 6 reposts 9 likes
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chris.
@azedand2knots.bsky.social
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I will collect the small shreds of flesh from under my fingernails until I have enough to make a better, more resilient me.
1 replies 44 reposts 92 likes
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Viktor Winetrout
@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
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Is wienermobile one word or two? It’s for my dream journal
10 replies 20 reposts 138 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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i’m gonna start handing out business cards (pictures of my cats)
1 replies 9 reposts 41 likes
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Hi, it’s Abby. Yep.
@abbycohenwl.bsky.social
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Your honor, it was opposite day
2 replies 25 reposts 59 likes
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Hi, it’s Abby. Yep.
@abbycohenwl.bsky.social
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Stay offline? Then how would I hear what people I don’t know think of things I never heard of
7 replies 193 reposts 639 likes
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Normal Pru
@prufrockluvsong.bsky.social
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Maturity is knowing you can have ice cream for breakfast but instead having an opposite thing like bran cereal
4 replies 11 reposts 39 likes
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Normal Pru
@prufrockluvsong.bsky.social
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Stephen King books made me afraid of: - dogs - cars - storm drains - hotels - the street - romantic getaways - little girls - the prom
10 replies 16 reposts 76 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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a guy I talk to regularly at the community pool said this to me after asking if i’m on the citizen app and i said no bc I assume it’s just where white ppl go to complain about their Black and brown neighbors and tbh it’s the best compliment i’ve received in a long time
1 replies 2 reposts 4 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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I bring a “you really look at everything from the race angle don’t you” vibe to the party 😎
0 replies 3 reposts 6 likes
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Theciscokidder
@theciscokidder.bsky.social
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Chewing food is fucking stupid.
9 replies 43 reposts 79 likes
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Theciscokidder
@theciscokidder.bsky.social
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Yeah I brought sexy back, I had to knock it unconscious but it's tied up in the back of my van.
3 replies 42 reposts 66 likes
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born miserable
@bornmiserable.bsky.social
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YOU: the New York Times can't possibly get any shittier THE NEW YORK TIMES: We Asked a Group of Undecided Voters What They Think About Anything
3 replies 26 reposts 118 likes
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born miserable
@bornmiserable.bsky.social
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ATTENTION: my morbid LA thread has finally risen from the grave, with: • the Mayfair, Roosevelt, and Hayward hotels • Rock Hudson • Louise Peete • Albert Dyer • Lois Pantages • Ronni Chasen • the Black Widow Murders • Melanie Howell • Whitey Bulger • Jim Jones check it out I HAVE SPOKEN
4 replies 17 reposts 44 likes
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pockets and sedition
@yoboseiyo.bsky.social
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so cover your goddamn face holes, ya filthy animals!
0 replies 5 reposts 14 likes
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MF FairyPrincessSmoo
@smooheed.bsky.social
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HR says I’m no longer allowed to yell ‘BEAR’ every time my boss tries to explain something to me
1 replies 64 reposts 157 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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haha! I had a wild experience with dabs (?) at a dispensary when they first came out and lost my brain and someone played fleet foxes to try to calm me down and it was like all the instruments separated and it was just loud banging and no music and I said it was bc they made me smoke crack 🤣
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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jordan🌈🍉
@nursemurderer.bsky.social
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um idc about obama’s playlist, gimme hunter biden’s “crack lap dance” playlist please
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
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Matt Novak
@paleofuture.bsky.social
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“These are very, very tightly packed tents,” he said. “And a fire like this could spread over a huge distance with catastrophic consequences in a very, very short space of time.”
10 replies 119 reposts 226 likes