Toby

@tobestewart.bsky.social

625 followers 151 following 1021 posts

Somethng s mssng from your lfe

bsky.app/profile/did:plc:sdkxyw2r7xlx5kjhsolgagv6/feed/aaajpevonw36e

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 06, 2024 at 08:31 UTC

[At The Beatles' house] John: "No! I am the walrus!" Paul: *wobbly-head thing*

0 replies 3 reposts 9 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 05, 2024 at 22:15 UTC

Before making sweet love on a hill always check your handbrake

1 replies 0 reposts 6 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 05, 2024 at 21:33 UTC

My son, immediately after loudly farting: “I’m gonna be a great dad”

0 replies 1 reposts 5 likes

Reposted by Toby

Ennui Doofen @ennuidoofen.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 19:33 UTC

Here is a starter pack for some other great follows if you're looking for some more funny in your life.
go.bsky.app/K8K5ixA
The great thing about these is the posts section works like an uncluttered feed

1 replies 4 reposts 12 likes

Reposted by Toby

Ennui Doofen @ennuidoofen.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 19:34 UTC

And one more group of hilarious folks
go.bsky.app/NmWH3Ca

3 replies 6 reposts 14 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 06:10 UTC

Ever get the feeling you’re voting for an upturned rake?

2 replies 4 reposts 11 likes

Reposted by Toby

Jerry Chen @jcsalterego.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 13:21 UTC

i don't believe in negative book reviews (keep them to yourself) so all my goodreads five star reviews actually mean "yay i actually finished a book"

3 replies 2 reposts 44 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 05:59 UTC

The USA has: • too many Christians • 5000 tigers I may have come up with a rather elegant solution

2 replies 4 reposts 11 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 05:47 UTC

Cover your butt before thinking!

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Reposted by Toby

puck @pucksarcana.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 04:51 UTC

name one salt you’ve used that isn’t of the earth. yea i thought so

5 replies 25 reposts 121 likes

Reposted by Toby

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 14:48 UTC

How soon after your coworker comes back from bereavement leave can you steal their lunch

8 replies 11 reposts 71 likes

Reposted by Toby

pixelatedboat aka “mr bluesky” @pixelatedboat.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 10:14 UTC

Happy Birthday to rock ‘n’ roll legend Chubby Checker. 82 and still going strong!

36 replies 87 reposts 699 likes

Reposted by Toby

Wicked Ho @nicebutnot.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 19:25 UTC

my child doesn’t like her doll wtf?

27 replies 35 reposts 164 likes

Reposted by Toby

Lord Juiblex @lordjuiblex.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 15:06 UTC

My decision to not vacation in the United States for the foreseeable future is seeming more and more insightful. Even though I made the decision based on a coca leaf reading I received in Bolivia.

1 replies 1 reposts 12 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 18:26 UTC

The word “pants” is plural so you can wear as many as you like. Today, I’m wearing all of mine

1 replies 6 reposts 18 likes

Reposted by Toby

warmyellowlight @warmyellowlight.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 00:11 UTC

does anybody know if we are allowed to stick things in our eye(s)?

12 replies 7 reposts 36 likes

Reposted by Toby

Saeed Jones @theferocity.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 17:39 UTC

I’ll cheer on this country when it stops trying to kill me.

5 replies 62 reposts 551 likes

Reposted by Toby

Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 13:26 UTC

It’s customary to say, “Tada!” if you stumble upon a dead magician.

2 replies 56 reposts 129 likes

Reposted by Toby

Big Bad Butch Gf, Baro Dyke Of Tipperary @bigbadbutchgf.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 17:37 UTC

can I get a balkanised america before I die. Is that too much to ask

1 replies 2 reposts 9 likes

Reposted by Toby

　　　　　　　　　the　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　postes @rem.postes.club
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 19:46 UTC

fuck it its still pride month

10 replies 21 reposts 115 likes

Reposted by Toby

Pot Shop Boy @potshopboy.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 14:03 UTC

It's July and I still got all this gay pride. What do I do.

7 replies 16 reposts 49 likes

Reposted by Toby

Dropped Mike @rebrafsim.bsky.social
[ View ] Jan 20, 2024 at 16:58 UTC

detective: where were you on the night of— me: in bed detective: I didn’t say which night me: doesn’t matter detective: I didn’t say what time me: *looking him square in the eye* it doesn’t matter

0 replies 127 reposts 528 likes

Reposted by Toby

Deeks 🫶 @deeks549.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 21:24 UTC

I’m the only person who's naked at this gender reveal party

15 replies 64 reposts 288 likes

Reposted by Toby

@kattsdogma.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 25, 2024 at 13:27 UTC

that’s a terrible name for a baby 😳

5 replies 35 reposts 141 likes

Reposted by Toby

Wicked Ho @nicebutnot.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 20:28 UTC

There be some creepy little motherfuckers out there yo

14 replies 34 reposts 134 likes

Reposted by Toby

Ray @sireviscerate.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 20:37 UTC

Not really fair that doing my favorite thing (sleep) makes tomorrow happen faster.

0 replies 14 reposts 35 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 07:38 UTC

I like to spend Sunday relaxing and trying not to cry

0 replies 10 reposts 20 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 07:37 UTC

Gonna spend the day replying, “I am sorry to read this”

0 replies 12 reposts 23 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 29, 2024 at 17:33 UTC

If the pandemic taught us anything it’s that we don’t need sport

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Reposted by Toby

CC @ccruns.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 20:12 UTC

My husband just said Honk if you’re horny! And then he honked the horn and we laughed. And then my mother said TMI.

2 replies 11 reposts 58 likes

Reposted by Toby

Corduroy Cheddar @corduroycheddar.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 21:55 UTC

A lot of poems about urine are not so great

0 replies 12 reposts 19 likes

Reposted by Toby

sliceofhell.com @sliceofhell.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 22:06 UTC

Using a laser pointer to indicate all the dishes my wife needs to clean

3 replies 12 reposts 45 likes

Reposted by Toby

Jeffw @jeffw.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 20, 2023 at 20:53 UTC

13yo Jesus: You're not my real dad! I HATE YOU! Joseph: One of these days boy, I'll— [distant thunder] I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

0 replies 46 reposts 150 likes

Reposted by Toby

Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 21:45 UTC

Your dogs don’t hate fireworks. They hate freedom.

13 replies 95 reposts 318 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 22:42 UTC

Year *mumbles* of my overnight success!

0 replies 1 reposts 4 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 16:07 UTC

Quick reminder that your children belong to the capitalist patriarchy, not to you. As future consumers, they must NOT be aborted

0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 15:26 UTC

My youngest child: *opens jar unassisted* Me: *watches in horror as my hands begin to fade*

0 replies 4 reposts 18 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 09:07 UTC

[AD 31, pool party, Galilee] Jesus, bouncing on the diving board: “Hey you guys! Watch this!” Disciples: “DON’T DO IT, LORD!” [later] Jesus (in a neck-brace): “haha I meant to do that”

0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 21:11 UTC

Epic

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Reposted by Toby

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 05:20 UTC

Don't cry because it's over. Cry because life is a cruel series of disappointments that will eventually kill you

2 replies 51 reposts 218 likes

Reposted by Toby

Ray @sireviscerate.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 15:25 UTC

If the fat bottomed girls ever stopped, the rotation of the rockin' world would suddenly stop, flinging everything on the surface into space, and generating 1,000 mph winds to scour whatever remains.

2 replies 16 reposts 78 likes

Reposted by Toby

Missing The Point @missingthept.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 16:40 UTC

“Biden is too old to be President” I say as I steel myself to stay awake until the debate’s conclusion.

0 replies 4 reposts 31 likes

Reposted by Toby

Jillian C. York 🍉 @jillian.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 11:46 UTC

Christians terrify me. www.jta.org/2024/06/26/u...

38 replies 191 reposts 761 likes

Reposted by Toby

Jerry Chen @jcsalterego.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 01:43 UTC

birds at dusk just rechirping their morning bangers. pathetic

4 replies 37 reposts 224 likes

Reposted by Toby

Sen. Gogurt taking notes on a criminal conspiracy @ugarles.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 26, 2024 at 22:34 UTC

the heat is melting the microplastics in my urine and it's coming out like dental floss and i've been pulling it out for five minutes like a magician's handkerchief trick

59 replies 171 reposts 1280 likes

Reposted by Toby

Haus of Decline @hausofdecline.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 14:10 UTC

15 replies 228 reposts 1908 likes

Reposted by Toby

𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚃𝚛𝚞𝚝𝚑 @unfitz.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 09:28 UTC

If it wasn’t for sarcasm I’d be a much quieter person.

2 replies 37 reposts 77 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 18:30 UTC

Well, I’m a God to these people, but they’re not all simpletons

0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Toby @tobestewart.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 27, 2024 at 18:29 UTC

Yeah well shut up because that is fantastic

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes