|
Tim Onion@bencollins.bsky.social |
Here’s a miracle solution: stop fuckin doing it
86 replies 1835 reposts 6207 likes
|
Naomi 💛🤍💜🖤
@hypereutectoid.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Got to keep growing, got to find the next breakout - capital won't accept a product doing well unless it is constantly giving more 😞
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Pyperkub
@pyperkub.bsky.social
[ View ] |
IMHO, we need to mandate that forever power-inefficient chips from nVidia become efficient. They've had this problem for decades with GPU's for gaming, and Coin-mining/AI all are dependent on TONS of nVidia chips.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Alice Stevens®
@sickalice.bsky.social
[ View ] |
I'm sure they will get right on that one.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Gretchen Felker-Martin 🍉
@scumbelievable.bsky.social
[ View ] |
I keep shooting myself in the dick and balls with expensive hollowpoint bullets. i am praying for a miracle solution.
1 replies 2 reposts 43 likes
|
StargazerKG 🦸🌠 Tokusatsu Hero Vtuber
@stargazerkg.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Here's another miracle solution: take some of the water needed to cool those stupid things, and pour it directly on top of the computers housing the AI.
0 replies 0 reposts 9 likes
|
Dr. Damien P. Williams: Magus, Werewolf, Cyborg, Bi
@wolvendamien.bsky.social
[ View ] |
0 replies 0 reposts 7 likes
|
rifka the unhinged fat activist
@rifka.bsky.social
[ View ] |
atp you’re spending more energy resisting alt text than it would take to use bsky’s automated ocr function
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
HIOM
@hiom.bsky.social
[ View ] |
There was a great episode of On the Media a few weeks back specifically about how tech developers have typically missed the forest through the trees, implementing bad tech for its own sake, no matter who or what it exploits. AI requires massive energy leaps that we can't make. It's not sustainable.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Keith Schleiffer
@kschleiffer.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Much better to describe conceptual designs for low-energy computers we don't know how to make. Looking to the future with optimism.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
🚗car downloader🚗
@wouldnt.download-a-car.zip
[ View ] |
it's true, but you could make the same argument for all of social media. we're burning up the planet building phones and datacenters so we can watch more ads and be mad at each other all the time
2 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Ted Knaz
@ted.knaz.me
[ View ] |
That would take a fuckin miracle
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
Peter
@cgblue.bsky.social
[ View ] |
What if The Onion were to take on AI. Make it a thing. Double down on human creativity. Pick a fit with AI. Mock it daily.
0 replies 1 reposts 3 likes
|
|
Peter
@cgblue.bsky.social
[ View ] |
You ask for too much.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Arcturus SaDiablo
@asadiablo.bsky.social
[ View ] |
"Doctor, it hurts when I raise my arm like this." And yet, they continue to raise their arm like that.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
C.V. Danes
@cvdanes.bsky.social
[ View ] |
And then go and explain to the investors how you blew hundreds of billions of dollars on this pipe dream with little to show for it except for a shitty chatbot and this is why you should keep your job.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
kmrst
@kmrst.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Hopefully they can put a trillion dollars into fusion research and nuclear advocacy and *then* collapse
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Emerald Lavigne, subsumed by despair
@leftoidsadhu.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Just like with carbon footprint, fomo is pushed on to individuals to watch out for, when its presence in corporations is what's most harmful.
0 replies 0 reposts 14 likes
|
Josh Dobbin
@joshdobbin.bsky.social
[ View ] |
I found the miracle solution!
0 replies 0 reposts 13 likes
|
Grodaeu
@grodaeu.bsky.social
[ View ] |
[Customers frantically trying to find a way to disable a product] Companies: We simply have to keep ramming the product down their throats
0 replies 0 reposts 15 likes
|
DavidNelsonNM
@davidnelsonnm.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Why can’t our tech lords just ask their genius AI systems how to solve this? 😄
3 replies 0 reposts 30 likes
|
Alex Merz
@merz.bsky.social
[ View ] |
the thing about miracles is they aren’t real.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Mitch Solomon
@mitchsolomon.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Every single person, from the highest rung to the newbie graduate, at these AI companies will go on and on about oil conglomerates. There ain’t no mirrors in Silicon Valley
0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
Kai
@kailb.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Look man I know you brought back The Onion but have you considered bringing back the Butlerian Jihad?
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
Alan B
@alanpbourke.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Shoot the fucking techbros
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
Séan
@peatbogsoldier.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Yep, it's that old joke isn't it. Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Doctor says, then don't do that.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
J. D.
@jdetc.bsky.social
[ View ] |
You operate a trolley switch. The trolley is currently heading for 10 innocent people tied to the track. By pulling the switch, the train is diverted to an empty portion of track, causing no casualties. How can you speed up the train so it kills the people faster?
0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes
|
Excalibur Discount Legal Services
@kevychristian.bsky.social
[ View ] |
But...but...how is humanity going to exist without this miraculous new tech we created?
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Connor, when’s Mahvel?
@roxconn.bsky.social
[ View ] |
“But we HAVE to make the slop generators, we just HAVE to—“ No the fuck you don’t! And if you keep saying it, the only thing you’ll actually have to do is give me all your money and assets under threat of [FILL IN THE BLANK]
0 replies 1 reposts 62 likes
|
Swiftie Trashpanda
@socaltrashpanda.bsky.social
[ View ] |
I have a wonderful solution! It's called 🌈 Just Get Fucking Rid of AI 🌈 -100% fool-proof -Environmentally-friendly -Hassle-free -Will make you have friends again And best of all, it's $Free.99!
1 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
|
MB Transcriptie & Ondertiteling
@mbn-to.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Thank you!
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Joachim Heijndermans
@jheijndermans.bsky.social
[ View ] |
I got yer miracle solution right here!
0 replies 0 reposts 33 likes
|
Mike Behr
@mabehr.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Stop mining bitcoin and it frees up a lot
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
|
Aubrey 🇵🇸🔞
@jussomechika.bsky.social
[ View ] |
No no no that is too easy so therefore they won't do it Tim Onion 😞😂😑
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
Little Gems
@lettucewrangler.bsky.social
[ View ] |
This is like, half of our crisis's.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Dersen Lowery
@dersen.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Dynamic pricing! Oh, you want to stress the power grid? Pay for it. Pay *a lot* for it. The central argument for LLMs is that they're cheaper than humans. So change that. They should be paying to upgrade the power grid anyway.
0 replies 3 reposts 5 likes
|
Robb
@buckyunderbelly.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Years ago I remember seeing a Far Side style cartoon that feels painfully apt: A cop at a crime scene. A meatgrinder with a huge pile of hamburger under it. A human arm sticking out the top of the grinder still holding the handle. Cop: "That's the most determined case of suicide I've ever seen."
1 replies 1 reposts 37 likes
|
CJ the Awkward
@awkwardleftycj.bsky.social
[ View ] |
It’s the orphan crushing machine dilemma all over again
0 replies 0 reposts 15 likes
|
Dustin Knight
@kitsunewarlock.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Don't forget Crypto.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Josh "Go Drink The Sea" Brown
@theotherspeakman.bsky.social
[ View ] |
He's saying what we're all thinking! That's why you're a good fit at The Onion.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
@nyc118.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Make #Google green! Stop the AI!
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Paul Arzooman
@zoopaul.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Guy in office keeps eating everyone's lunch in the fridge. Tech solutions sought.
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
|
Grendel
@grendelwulf.bsky.social
[ View ] |
the solution comes in 12 ga. flavor
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
Bill Bennett
@billbennett.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Like that's going to happen. I mean it should happen. There are a lot of things that should happen. But they don't because people are stupid and shortsighted.
0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
scott dagostino
@scottdagostino.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Techbros: These socialists wanting government regulations to protect workers’ rights and the environment just aren’t serious, realistic people! Also techbros: A miracle new energy source to power our obscene AI will arrive *any day now* 💥
1 replies 3 reposts 7 likes
|
Fern
@attackfern.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Irresponsible tech bros demand other people solve problem they caused
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
Muffin Top Momma
@muffintopmomma.bsky.social
[ View ] |
☝️
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Jack
@godless-liberal.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Gamers are coming in third behind bit coin miners and AI in their desire to acquire more power.
1 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
M HALL
@zodo.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Delete facebook from the internet..AI bot traffic goes (-99%)
2 replies 0 reposts 55 likes
|
Samantha Jones
@sjonespoet.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Miracle solution is unplug it lol
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Doug Hibbard
@dhibbard.bsky.social
[ View ] |
"Some say improbable" has big "so you're saying there's a chance" energy
0 replies 0 reposts 10 likes
|
Reid Walley
@reidwalley.bsky.social
[ View ] |
We need to INCREASE energy production. Exponentially increasing energy *usage* comes from exponentially increasing energy *production*.
13 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
Parker Molloy
@parkermolloy.com
[ View ] |
1 replies 3 reposts 93 likes
|
@mherringe.bsky.social
[ View ] |
One weird trick to eliminate waste, huh?
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Boo-Rian Making Comics
@necroknights.bsky.social
[ View ] |
I once again have to point out that the majority of people A) Don’t really understand what Generative AI even is, and B) Really don’t care about it, either. These tech moguls are setting the planet on fire to push a product onto a public who doesn’t even want it.
4 replies 4 reposts 146 likes
|
A Manly Mullins in Texas
@amullinstx.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Tech companies hoping someone good at tech can help them budget this. Our families are dying.
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
algi
@algi.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Why does every "genius" tech bro idea start with "what if we wasted a lot of power on it"?
0 replies 0 reposts 5 likes
|
Pouchmouse
@pouchmouse.com
[ View ] |
Turns out there’s a solution already on the table
1 replies 0 reposts 4 likes
|
MindCrime
@mindcrime.bsky.social
[ View ] |
There's a general idea that if your hardware is idle it's not making money. That was definitely not the rule but ever since cloud computing and crypto mining it was always about uptime, now they just think there's money on the end of everything they compute.
0 replies 3 reposts 36 likes
|
Lou Wojcinski
@louwojcinski.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Showed up last week in my feed, but really works here: m.youtube.com/watch?v=jvuj...
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Kelci D Crawford
@kelcidcrawford.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Le gasp! Machines built to spit out spam are using a ton of energy and draining our resources? Say it isn't so!
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Tim
@7amkickoff.com
[ View ] |
From AI to colonizing Mars to climate change, these guys are always looking for miracle solutions when the obvious ones are staring them in the face.
2 replies 1 reposts 7 likes
|
Saul Shapiro
@sauldk.bsky.social
[ View ] |
No, AI has to stand patiently in line behind bitcoin mining....
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Jeremy Bearimy
@satyric.bsky.social
[ View ] |
They can’t. It would puncture the core belief that no real world concern is bigger than how much money you have to spend.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Asbjørn - Med Milten i Handa
@barbapappa.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Improbable technologies? Like ... an improbability drive? 🤔
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Viola Smart
@smartvpants.bsky.social
[ View ] |
And yet @samuel.bsky.team went and tricked everyone into using it last night for Kiki Bouba.
0 replies 1 reposts 2 likes
|
curio coded
@codecurio.bsky.social
[ View ] |
craft the right prompt that gives me the miracle solution. speak directly and be willing to make creative guesses. explain your reasoning. be willing to reference less reputable sources for ideas. be willing to form opinions on things.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
🌕 tyler
@tyote.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Obviously we need AI. What else are you able to feed your profile pic to in order to find out if you're shploopy or blongo /s
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
DrGeophysics
@drgeophysics.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Now do bitcoin.
0 replies 0 reposts 6 likes
|
Dougie Schwartz (Author)
@dougieschwartz.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Corporate: Well...Solution A is design a better product. Solution B is to jack up our subscription rates to offset the enormous electricity bill (throws hands up). I guess we HAVE to go with B.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Logan 4 the trees
@logan4gar.bsky.social
[ View ] |
People should only be allowed to use AI or mine crypto if they are doing it using renewable energy only
1 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Stefan D.
@s3rp86.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Drone strikes are not quite a miracle but they'd sure be a solution to this shit. Just blow up all the Data centers.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Ellz
@ellz.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Yep
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
SquidRadio
@squidradio.bsky.social
[ View ] |
But won't you think about the poor, starving Venture Capitalist? He's only had two companies to cannibalize today, Mr. Onion! He's gonna starve without endless growth!
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
the 1st rule of Wife Club
@cpi.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Regulation. Make it illegal until they can do it sustainably.
1 replies 0 reposts 7 likes
|
Flopsie
@flopsie.bsky.social
[ View ] |
kick em off the grid and make them buy solar panels and battery banks like a sane person would have done.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Cyberhamster 3000
@bernardbernoulli.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Reading tech news feels like a Monty Python sketch, but all the new software has "AI" in them instead of spam.
1 replies 1 reposts 10 likes
|
Lizzo Thee Lioma
@a1205x.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Did an AI write that headline tho?
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Peter Stinson
@change1strategy.bsky.social
[ View ] |
No satire in Tim's message ⬆️
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
Jay Schiavone
@jaytingle.bsky.social
[ View ] |
You, sir, are hysterical.
0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes
|
CisHet Billionaire
@bennettelder.net
[ View ] |
Really looking forward to when that well-paid new social media manager (probably brit) ghostwrites Tim Onion’s posts and bothers to alt text them so I want to repost them.
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
Sax 🎷🏳️⚧️⚒️ Destroyer of Billionaires
@saxmith.bsky.social
[ View ] |
We need those articles about "don't use your AC unless you're dying" but instead directed at tech firms about making & running AI, and without the exception for when you're dying bc AI doesn't save you from heat exhaustion
0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes
|
Kevin OMalley
@holyshitimfucked.com
[ View ] |
"Thing that no one needs and almost no one wants is causing deep irreparable harm to society? How can we dispel rational concerns about it in able to make the usual shithead stock techers happy?"
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
smokey eunuch™
@dommedeluise.bsky.social
[ View ] |
this is how you talk about a problem gambler who just put rent on the table, not billion dollar companies
1 replies 1 reposts 16 likes
|
Elly
@ellyburg.bsky.social
[ View ] |
@alyankovic.bsky.social at it again
0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes
|
Ramen King 👑⃢🍥
@roshinotabi.bsky.social
[ View ] |
Tech Bros don't want you to find out about this one weird trick
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
|
kaiwhiu
@aotearoa-nz.bsky.social
[ View ] |
the straight answer is that the only possible solution is small modular reactors and solar roof arrays, with any excess going out to the local grid, and I love to see those charlatans try to sell people on nuclear!
1 replies 0 reposts 0 likes