Swell guy

@lettuce.bsky.social

598 followers 477 following 890 posts

Stultifying. Once I was @newLettuce, but time has passed.
My posts: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:iospu3tavlzqplkpbgpiz6nb/feed/aaafjks2ddefk

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 06, 2024 at 05:29 UTC

Murder? You're in timeout buddy

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

donni saphire @donni.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 06, 2024 at 04:58 UTC

If I was a toddler I would commit serious crimes. There is no jail that takes them. Huge loophole

3 replies 3 reposts 27 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 05, 2024 at 23:00 UTC

The Mamas & the Papas: Monday, Monday Monday: 🙂 The Mamas & the Papas: Can't trust that day Monday: 🙁

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

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Boog @boogtweets.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 05, 2024 at 17:42 UTC

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

0 replies 12 reposts 47 likes

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Alex Blechman @alexblechman.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 13:04 UTC

July 4th is very rough on my dog (he is a royalist and considers George Washington a traitor)

41 replies 897 reposts 4621 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 18:53 UTC

[emailing neighborhood listserv] Sorry everybody but our buddy "Limey Jim" has walked out on dunk tank duty after complaints that his accent should be Cockney-er

0 replies 5 reposts 8 likes

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Kip Conlon @kipconlon.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 03:04 UTC

To everyone who said my music “hobby” was a waste of time and would never lead to a career: I need to borrow some money.

0 replies 5 reposts 20 likes

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mave @mave.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 23:40 UTC

Do not approach me with potato salad that isn’t locally sourced yet globally inspired

1 replies 6 reposts 18 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 01:26 UTC

Training for 4th of July by ingesting increasing levels of jingoism every day for the last month

0 replies 1 reposts 2 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 00:53 UTC

[Sam Elliott voice] Sometimes a feller's jus gotta sit a spell on the can 'n read posts

0 replies 1 reposts 6 likes

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rose @lightblanket.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 04, 2024 at 00:13 UTC

Eating a ziplock of dry oats at a bbq

0 replies 12 reposts 58 likes

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lanyardigan @lanyardigan.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 17:48 UTC

Julio Iglesias: cool, goated Julius Churches: v. poor vibes, not to be trusted

0 replies 3 reposts 20 likes

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lanyardigan @lanyardigan.bsky.social
[ View ] May 28, 2024 at 20:59 UTC

STEVE HARVEY: We asked 100 maniacs this disgusting question

1 replies 28 reposts 187 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 23:22 UTC

Dedicated to the proposition that all men are created squeakquel [WORKSHOP THIS***]

1 replies 8 reposts 26 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Frovo @frovo.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 15:24 UTC

*approaches woman* hey girl are you a haiku- "i have a boyfriend"

2 replies 33 reposts 128 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Ygrene ✔️ @ygrene.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 17:10 UTC

they have a new service down at the fireworks store where, for fifty bucks, they’ll remove one of your fingers and you don’t even need to buy any fireworks

1 replies 8 reposts 29 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 20:04 UTC

You've ridden it out before, you're tough

0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 19:56 UTC

I'm sorry things suck. Please stick around

1 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 19:53 UTC

Committed to the bit

0 replies 0 reposts 0 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Dropped Mike @rebrafsim.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 03, 2024 at 01:01 UTC

rock: oh fuck I’m covered with paper tell my wife I love her

3 replies 77 reposts 357 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Frovo @frovo.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 23:47 UTC

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions Me: *raises hand* Teacher: no stupid questions i said Me: *lowers hand*

2 replies 50 reposts 195 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Ygrene ✔️ @ygrene.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 21:53 UTC

[arriving in hell] Satan: welco- Me: hit me with a plate of your eggs bro Satan: Me: (sprinkling motion) with the paprika

12 replies 211 reposts 1010 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Xena: Warrior Princess @prof-hinkley.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 20:06 UTC

My boss said I can't use the title "future human remains" in my email signature anymore

3 replies 30 reposts 98 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

lanyardigan @lanyardigan.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 22:10 UTC

You know what they say: the squeaky wheel gets super annoying. It sucks ass and nobody likes it

7 replies 17 reposts 125 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 19:04 UTC

None of my business

0 replies 0 reposts 3 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

bad bisque @badbisque.bsky.social
[ View ] May 09, 2024 at 17:07 UTC

an ornate, bejeweled case; inside it, nestled in the soft, red satin, is a single pinto bean

4 replies 11 reposts 44 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

little lamb @puddleofbrain.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 02, 2024 at 17:32 UTC

every circus should have a single grave at the center of the main ring to remind us that while today we laugh tomorrow we'll be gone

3 replies 11 reposts 52 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Ray @sireviscerate.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 21:06 UTC

The Wicked Witch of the East was named Ding Dong?

0 replies 2 reposts 12 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 21:29 UTC

Mille grazie Signore Roboti

0 replies 5 reposts 23 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 21:27 UTC

Should have been Monsieur, we regret the error

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 21:25 UTC

Merci beaucoup Mr. Roboteau

1 replies 2 reposts 7 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Sorrowscopes @sorrowscopes.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 17:44 UTC

Scorpio: Today you will discover what the "it" refers to when people say "It's raining." This will be your last discovery.

0 replies 24 reposts 122 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jul 01, 2024 at 01:29 UTC

If you took all the times I stub my toes in a year and replaced them with a single cumulative wallop, my foot would simply explode Cronenberg style

0 replies 0 reposts 4 likes

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Cap’n Watsisname @capnwatsisname.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 03, 2024 at 18:54 UTC

Urgently asking a different flight attendant if I can announce when you look to our left there’s a cloud shaped like my cat when she’s asleep.

0 replies 70 reposts 291 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 04:02 UTC

I did! The code consisted of watching a YouTube video and obeying it

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 03:25 UTC

Standing on the street corner shouting at passersby about how easy it is to grow infinite basil

1 replies 2 reposts 19 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 30, 2024 at 01:19 UTC

James what's wrong with you

0 replies 0 reposts 2 likes

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melted computer @meltedcomputer.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 29, 2024 at 17:15 UTC

(crawling out of a well) am i pretty

5 replies 9 reposts 54 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Xena: Warrior Princess @prof-hinkley.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 29, 2024 at 17:51 UTC

Updating my progress on the Cheesecake Factory menu in Goodreads

3 replies 21 reposts 52 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 29, 2024 at 05:14 UTC

[flirting in the park] Your dog looks like a juggalo

0 replies 12 reposts 32 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Viktor Winetrout @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 29, 2024 at 04:56 UTC

Blasting my audio book of the New Testament as I pull up to the club

0 replies 8 reposts 45 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 29, 2024 at 05:14 UTC

[flirting in the park] Your dog looks like a juggalo

0 replies 12 reposts 32 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 23:09 UTC

Only got one or two blooms last year, lots more this year. I was worried it had completely died over the winter (some branches did) but clearly not

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 22:02 UTC

Buttonbush (Cephalanthus occidentalis "Sugar Shack") being cool as hell

1 replies 0 reposts 10 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 18:56 UTC

There's a special term for the excrement of caterpillars - "frass". Workshopping my own custom pooword

0 replies 1 reposts 5 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 18:18 UTC

Chore #1: fire copyeditor

1 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 18:01 UTC

Trying to get all my chores finished this year so I don't have to them again

2 replies 6 reposts 14 likes

Swell guy @lettuce.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 10:03 UTC

Sweet

0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes

Reposted by Swell guy

Mary Gillis @marygillis.bsky.social
[ View ] Jun 28, 2024 at 04:30 UTC

For some reason Kardashev never envisioned a civilization that could harness all of the sunlight that falls on their planet but uses most of it to create pictures of extremely busty ladies with three knees and fourteen fingers.

7 replies 98 reposts 318 likes