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bacon popsicle π«@gupton68.bsky.social |
1001 followers 559 following 508 posts
feeding ducks in the park
the man, the myth, the bellend
my BS bs: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:3bnoyda3i7sv7k6p3vzmjtvj/feed/aaadqbbtnlfxy
my top bs: bsky.app/profile/did:plc:3bnoyda3i7sv7k6p3vzmjtvj/feed/aaahguixerquo
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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I suffer extreme fear of failure. Given my poor lifestyle choices heart failure tops the list but liver and renal are pretty high up there, too.
4 replies 21 reposts 54 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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me: I have a fear of faces therapist: itβs time to face your fears me: *screams*
3 replies 40 reposts 78 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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When I say goodbye to my wife as Iβm going out for a run she has a little tear in her eye. I used to think it was because she worried I might have a heart attack and not come back. It was only tonight that I realised her fear is that I wonβt have such a mishap, and shall in fact come back after all
1 replies 32 reposts 66 likes
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Neener Neener Neener π¨π¦π
@neenerneenerneener.bsky.social
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The age-old expression, βItβs as American as mom and apple pie,β naturally gives rise to the age-old debate: MILF vs. APILF.
0 replies 5 reposts 6 likes
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Staff Chief of Joints
@etrain.bsky.social
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Gonna up my game and start keeping a combo nose / ear hair trimmer in my work bag.
1 replies 8 reposts 16 likes
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π±πππ πππππ
@unfitz.bsky.social
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Sorry your boyfriend thinks the clitoris is the chamber in which a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.
12 replies 54 reposts 161 likes
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π±πππ πππππ
@unfitz.bsky.social
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The only dueling Iβll consider is pistols at dawn. *π΄ππ’π±π΄ πΊπ°πΆπ³ π§π’π€π¦ πΈπͺπ΅π© π¨ππ°π·π¦*
3 replies 30 reposts 52 likes
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Sweetie Ο
@sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social
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Donβt make me unleash my brain on you
6 replies 39 reposts 84 likes
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Wicked Ho
@nicebutnot.bsky.social
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hello? i need someone to fact check a joke?
20 replies 73 reposts 180 likes
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Minister of Loneliness
@steamymac.bsky.social
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*pulls your jorts to the side
4 replies 30 reposts 60 likes
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Frances Meh
@francesmeh.reviews
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just killing it* rn *lying on my back and doing fuck all
3 replies 18 reposts 65 likes
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La Captain Oblivious
@whatthefoxy.bsky.social
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Apparently having your mom calling you in sick from work doesnβt count.
7 replies 40 reposts 111 likes
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Wicked Ho
@nicebutnot.bsky.social
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heatwave needs to calm tf down
24 replies 108 reposts 643 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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π
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Lizzy π«
@stonedeva.bsky.social
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Just noticed my vehicle registration sticker is crooked. Guess I'll be ubering from now on
1 replies 18 reposts 45 likes
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Marc
@runoldman.bsky.social
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I know I'm totally fucked up, but at least I can fucking laugh at myself.
1 replies 30 reposts 43 likes
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Wicked Ho
@nicebutnot.bsky.social
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James Madison was 25 years old when he signed the constitution When I was 25 I was doing cocaine off a car key in the ladies room with my girlies
27 replies 50 reposts 257 likes
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andy van slyke
@im-all-id.bsky.social
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Asking AI how I can monetize pessimism
7 replies 37 reposts 86 likes
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AllTimeAss
@maxhyde.bsky.social
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People are fucking great at avoiding truths they don't fucking like
1 replies 14 reposts 24 likes
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Minister of Loneliness
@steamymac.bsky.social
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Settle down, lady, I was checking out your dog, not you.
0 replies 36 reposts 77 likes
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Bliss
@blisskissed.bsky.social
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I think massage chairs are natures way of saying- look a remote youβre invested in!
0 replies 2 reposts 7 likes
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BEAVE Β²
@beaveinflow.bsky.social
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I never feed my ego after midnight.
0 replies 26 reposts 61 likes
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Wilbur72
@wilbur72.bsky.social
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He died doing what he loved: making obvious and pointless replies to womenβs posts.
6 replies 38 reposts 137 likes
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SaltyGirl
@saltssaltgirl.bsky.social
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What if the hills really were alive with the sound of music?!?!
4 replies 12 reposts 33 likes
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lalalyds
@lalalyds.bsky.social
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Sorry for the things I said when my crotch was sweaty
2 replies 38 reposts 81 likes
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Sweetie Ο
@sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social
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I lost my glasses awhile ago so I have no idea what the last 6300 posts were about
3 replies 32 reposts 90 likes
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Normal Pru
@prufrockluvsong.bsky.social
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[cashier slapping the cool ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don't, nerd
3 replies 29 reposts 87 likes
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Danny
@mardigroan.bsky.social
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Those birds near the ocean believe almost anything. They're quite gullible.
1 replies 11 reposts 28 likes
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Theciscokidder
@theciscokidder.bsky.social
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I can't see the florist for the bees fuck it send skeet.
0 replies 53 reposts 132 likes
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Sweetie Ο
@sixfeetofcandy.bsky.social
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remaking Peanuts but instead of those weird little kids iβm using snails
11 replies 39 reposts 109 likes
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Pinot Evil
@pinotevil.bsky.social
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Millennials urban dictionary everything⦠I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
0 replies 14 reposts 25 likes
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StefanThinks
@stefanthinks.bsky.social
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Teacher pets grow up to be the coworkers who join online meetings 5 minutes before their scheduled start.
4 replies 9 reposts 29 likes
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Ash
@ashhull.bsky.social
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No one is talking to me today. I wish I knew what I did to deserve this luxury
4 replies 8 reposts 29 likes
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Miss Riss
@missriss.bsky.social
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I would like to move somewhere with a yard, as I feel the need to sit, unmoving, in the spray radius of an old school sprinkler for possibly around 16 hours.
2 replies 25 reposts 59 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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π
0 replies 0 reposts 1 likes
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Uncle Duke
@uncleduke1969.bsky.social
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"Alright, places ladies, places. Annemarie, Suzanne, you two are in the first number. Suzanne, how about you try not to fall on your face this time? Lorraine, go see Todd in makeup, you look like a clown. And Nancy, for chrissakes, put on some underwear."
5 replies 33 reposts 113 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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I suffer extreme fear of failure. Given my poor lifestyle choices heart failure tops the list but liver and renal are pretty high up there, too.
4 replies 21 reposts 54 likes
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Dropped Mike
@rebrafsim.bsky.social
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interviewer: it says here youβre not afraid to challenge authority me: no it doesnβt
1 replies 60 reposts 205 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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How to be a parent 101: #70 ~ never let the little bastards see the fear in your eyes.
0 replies 33 reposts 56 likes
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Grimm
@grimmreality.bsky.social
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Get the better of mosquitos this summer by making sure that whenever you go outside you are so drunk that every last one of the little fucks who tries to eat you dies of alcohol poisoning.
2 replies 5 reposts 13 likes
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Theciscokidder
@theciscokidder.bsky.social
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Neither of my kids like PB&J and the world is fucked, what did I do to get this reality??
5 replies 18 reposts 53 likes
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π±πππ πππππ
@unfitz.bsky.social
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I took everyoneβs advice and ate the rich. They tasted like private jet fuel, foie gras and fear.
6 replies 66 reposts 201 likes
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Jimmer Cork-Bottle
@jimmerthatisall.bsky.social
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This day in history. 1925. Guru Meher Baba began 44 years of silence during which he communicated solely by means of a squeaky rubber ducky.
2 replies 18 reposts 39 likes
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Christina, mother of spiders
@aikiwomannc.bsky.social
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*flashlight under chin* He heard the scream and found her unconscious with the letter still in her hand. He picked up the letter and fell to his knees. It said, "The 4th grade class invites you to it's annual recorder recital on the 25th."
0 replies 12 reposts 49 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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When she says she likes being surprised in the bedroom, she doesnβt mean by finding you there with her mother and sister. I know this now.
3 replies 29 reposts 49 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 55 year old men shouldnβt run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
4 replies 61 reposts 156 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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I just discovered that thereβs another man registered with my doctor who has exactly the same birthdate as me and now my entire lifeβs ambition boils down to simply not dying first.
0 replies 41 reposts 107 likes
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bacon popsicle π«
@gupton68.bsky.social
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me: I try to live well and maintain a healthy, balanced diet also me: *swipes right on a bucket of fried chicken*
2 replies 28 reposts 87 likes
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Splendid Hobo
@splendidhobo.bsky.social
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just to be clear, that's not really my dick, that's an eggplant
1 replies 17 reposts 33 likes
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SpatialKimtamine
@kimmalien.bsky.social
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My hot sauce is freaking saucy let me tell you that much
8 replies 26 reposts 58 likes